Still hanging in there.. still having ups and downs.
We have been going to our counselor weekly. I don't know whether we are making progression, but we at least have a common goal. We both want hubby to be able to accept it. It makes me happy that he wants to try, for both of us. I appreciate it more than he could possibly know. It's still hard though. I think his biggest hang up is the thought of me having sex with somebody else. It makes him sick to his stomach.
To me, sex can have different meanings and different feelings. It depends with who, and why. With J, I wanted to do it because I felt like it was the next step in showing him how I feel, and had that connection with him. With some people, it's just a physical attraction, and nothing deeper. When I think of hubby having sex with somebody else, it doesn't bother me, in fact, I'm almost turned on by it. I don't see it as being equal to the sex that we have though.
On the J front.. I'm dealing with my own jealousy issues. He's fully "in love" with his gf. I read their posts to each other frequently because the more I submerse myself in it, the more comfortable I feel, even though the whole situation between them weirds me out, I want to be happy for him. I still miss him and spending time with him. I see him here and there and it's always friendly and I feel a small sense of relief.
I also find I'm missing NRE, and what it brought to my relationship with hubby. I wonder why I can't feel that way without having somebody else involved. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, because I love and am attracted to hubby every day.. but as far as the sex goes, that animalistic urge that came with NRE just isn't there. Maybe part of it was my elation with hubby's acceptance at the time? Maybe knowing how it turns his stomach now, makes me also look negatively at it, even though I feel like it's something I can't help.
It's getting really late and I have to be up early, so I'll end for now. I'm pretty tired and was just rambling what was going through my mind at the moment, so I apologize if things were jumping around!