I had an interesting thought/epiphany, actually brought about by the question Magdlyn asked me about what I felt about what I thought about when my hubs was with someone else. And all I could come up with was curiosity. What's going on doesn't "bother" me, for some reason it just bothers me or is obessive for me to try to figure out what MIGHT be happening.
I let this sit for a few days, but I started to have flashes of different experiences throughout my childhood and past, and even as an adult. I have always been a worrier, and always had periods of compulsive thoughts where I obsess about something (could be good or bad) to the point where I'm not living in the moments of my life and am fairly unproductive.
I checked out info on both GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and OCD (obsessive thoughts) and think that there's some evidence there to suggest that I may be (albeit peripherally) dealing with one of those issues. The interesting part is it's not usually the event/thing/object I'm obsessing over that is making my life uncomfortable, it's the OBSESSING about it. And it's just a general discomfort with the unknown and discomfort with things beyond my control.
Also, my father, whom I didn't know very well (he and my mom divorced when I was 2 and I knew him only between the ages of 13-20 and then he moved back to Kansas), suffered from depression, but also from OCD.
Interesting, and I will be talking to my therapist (tomorrow) about this and we'll see what's up. She's the expert, but I'd be curious to find out. It does give me "some" calm to think that this focus/obsessiveness/self torture I do might be less due to lack of willpower and more due to the way my brain is wired. Hubs has ADHD and I know he's spent a lifetime thinking he was just all f-ed up in his head, when really his brain just works differently. Understanding how he works has helped our relationship because I know what I can/can't expect of him and stop taking some things (like never being able to remember my schedule!) personally. We just adapt... when I really want/need him to remember I give him a written and verbal reminder!
Anyway, that's my epiphany for the day. Something to maybe work on to improve what is really the ONLY discomfort I have with our nonmonogamy-- my ridiculous focus on his activities at any given moment. It would be really lovely if I could work on that and at least lessen the impact.