Thread: Struggling
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Old 05-03-2011, 09:09 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
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Derbylicious and nycindie: although I think that your comments are good, helpful, and need to be considered, I want to comment on a few aspects:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
It's bad form to have inside jokes and keep someone out of it if you're all together regardless of relationship status. Also I think that hanging out with him is only going to be as awkward as the three of you make it. If you were friends before there's no reason to not carry on. Other than that, why does it matter how much sex they're having? If you're ok with them having sex I don't understand why it matters what the frequency is. Women tend to be able to have lots of sex so her sex life with him really shouldn't impact her sex life with you.
a) There is obviously a lot of NRE [new relationship energy] going on here and we all know that that can be painful [for the one who feels left out]. [SaS, if you're new to this term, run a search on it on this board and read others' experiences. You are certainly not alone on this.]
b) "If you're ok with them having sex I don't understand why it matters what the frequency is." I think it's a case of one-upmanship which - although not particularly healthy (nor helpful) for those taking part or feeling like that - is VERY human. (And - I would imagine - more ingrained in those with a military past or present.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
But yet again I'm wondering why you're focusing on the sex.
I don't think that SaS is "focussing on the sex". He's written that if it were only sex, he could deal with it. He's focussing on the emotions involved. And while I personally wouldn't want my lover(s) to be the kind of person who can have sex totally detached from emotions, I try to recognise that many people feel differently than me on this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I've never seen anyone talk about a V as compared to a checkmark, as if the length of the "legs" in the V or checkmark represents the importance of the person at the hinge. You must be very visually-oriented.
I found this a very inventive and useful description for the way many people actually feel. They call their relationships Vs, but they're really check marks. At least SaS is honest about wanting this. (And you made a little mistake: the length of the "legs" in the V or checkmark represents the relative importance of the two arms to the person at the hinge.)

Erosa: a very good comment, but I want to take you up on
Quote:
Wow... After reading this i have to say, I don't think poly is actually what you are dealing with.
Polyamory doesn't mean that all problems have been solved and that everybody's perfectly happy. There are obviously very strong problems to be dealth with here, but I rather think that SaS' wife continues to love him, she's just carried away on NRE and was very tactless in her comment that she finds him boring.

And now: SaS! I think that I know about PART of your dilemma. Your wife isn't treating you fairly. This is the sort of thing that bothers me, and I use it to differentiate between "justified" and "unjustified" jealousy. The former is a sign of insecurity and the latter is a sign of "I'm being treated unfairly here". I wrote about this on other thread (my second comment on this page). I'll add another detail here:

When AIDS started to get public attention, my girlfriend ["M" in that comment] went to a conference where it was talked about on the same weekend that I was spending with another girlfriend. That week, she started to wade into me for being irresponsible, for not protecting us against the dangers of AIDS. (I had talked with the other woman [a former girlfriend I'd just reconnected with] before any sex took place and she'd told me that her last sexual encounter [which didn't include fucking] had been 2 years earlier. I'm not saying that there was no risk but that - back in the early days of awakening consciousness about AIDS, before we knew much about it - I felt that I had been responsible. M herself hadn't taken stronger measures against AIDS before this revelation she received at the conference.)

So M insisted that from that moment on, we not have sex with anybody else without using condoms, and that we immediately both have an AIDS test. I had no problem with that: I thought that it was a sensible decision. What I did have problems with was that - after M's laying into me - I went and got my AIDS test straight away (and let M know that I was free) and M never had the test! I found that hypocritical... and unfair. Double standards suck!

So, SaS, when you write that your wife insisted that "it's the military or me!" and you left the military because of that, and then she starts a relationship with someone who's still in the military (without - yet? - insisting that he leave it for her), and to top that off, gives a strong impression of being more smitten with him than with you... I can fully understand your feeling that she's not playing straight with you. And that - coming from someone you love - hurts. Don't I know it!
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If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson

Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 05-03-2011 at 02:41 PM. Reason: grammar, explanation, correcting ambiguity
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