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Old 05-03-2011, 06:30 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Hi Wolfie, we had someone on here once with a similar name...

His wife has expectations of you that are not being fulfilled by you, or are, begrudgingly. I would have to say that you should stop doing that. You don't owe her or anyone anything.

The thing with poly is that there are no rules, just boundaries, that you get to create. If you don't want to go to poly events and be part of their community then don't. If you want to go out on proper dates instead of staying home and having kinky fucking all the time, then ask for that and start negotiating what your boundaries are. Its up to you... if you don't, then assumptions and expectations start seeping in and no one is to blame for that but you, because you didn't speak up...

So now that I have said that, I will back up a bit. I realize that you are new to this and this is not a situation that is what you had hoped for or are interested in having for the long haul. It sounds like you have told them that and they aren't listening or are hoping that you will change your mind, or just don't get it. That isn't entirely fair, but they are likely used to a certain type of person and you are not that type.

It sounds like you are mono and have no intention of attempting to change that. That could be the problem here. My boyfriend is mono and he doesn't get the whole hanging out together in a community thing, or talking about relationship dynamics, or the constant issues with communication blah blah blah... he tires of it and he isn't interested and he doesn't get it and to him its all a bit silly and confusing. He is a very patient man (his name is Mono on here; you might want to PM him?)

Keep telling them that you are not poly and not interested in their social life, and not willing to become that involved and that you would appreciate that they stop asking you. By doing this it will likely ensure the end of the relationship I think as if there is no love and just sex and could end when you find a mono partner I can't imagine why he would stay once the sex honeymoon is over... No biggy, but it might be something to be aware of... poly is about love, and if this is what they are used to rather than casual sex and a short term thing, then they might be setting themselves up by expecting more. Maybe telling them that would be an honest and open thing to do that would clarify things on many levels.

Hey, wait a minute... I just thought of something. You are wanting to go out more and he wants to have sex... he is looking for love and another partner and you think this is temporary due to the nature of his relationship to his wife.... This sounds like a mixed message, or could do. Usually casual dates are about sex and usually poly relationships, although largely about sex, are about going on dates and establishing bonds... there might be some confusion there in the messages you are giving each other.

One last thing, this is only five weeks old... there is tons of time to see where this goes. It could be a way that his wife gets to know you or feels comfortable with you by inviting you to poly events... she might be showing you off. Or he is. Is there something that you can do with her that would help her feel comfortable that would also make you feel more comfortable? Even just telling her that you don't feel comfortable at the events they invite you too, but you would do something else, you just need some time to figure out what and how you feel about going and doing something with a lovers wife... buying some time is totally acceptable because its honest and respects them.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-03-2011 at 06:34 AM.
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