Wow... After reading this i have to say, I don't think poly is actually what you are dealing with.
You said your wife doesn't feel excited by you? That, to me ( and i am far from an expert) sounds like there is some underlying problem in the relationship between you and your wife.
There is an old business principle. When a company needs money to expand, that's good. When a company needs obey to survive, that's BAD!
I have to say that unfortunately, i have found many people enter poly when a relationship (rather than being truly healthy and looking to expand) is wounded and in need of new life force.
Maybe you should ask your wife for a break from poly until you and she have truly figured everything out.