Thread: Struggling
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Old 05-03-2011, 04:10 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
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So she's very attracted to this guy for a lot of reasons, but also that they share a common hobby (this comes up later). It's one I'm incapable of doing. Plus, I'm also okay with her having a life outside of me. I'm not trying to smother her.

So she asks to go on a road trip with a few friends including this guy. (We'll call him Steve). I've not been a possessive man to date and I'm cool with her hanging out with other guys. So all the friends skip out except Steve. So they leave for the weekend. I cannot go because I have to watch our daughter. Over the weekend she ends up going down on him a few times. I responded poorly when she told me after she got back. I felt ditched because I was watching our child and his dog, and she didn't talk to me much over the trip. But I was mostly in the wrong and got over this.
Are you able to do things when she is home with your child? It's not fair if it's all one way. But yet again I'm wondering why you're focusing on the sex. You knew that she was going to be away and unavailable to you and you know that they are sexual with each other. But I'm glad to hear you got over it. Sometimes we tend to react to emotion and speak too soon.

Well, over that month our relationship takes a dive. She proceeds to tell me that she loves me but isn't "in love" with me. I've gotten boring. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I'm not passionate about anything. Mind you, I was in the military (happily) previously and she gave me the ultimatum, "her or the military" I gave up the military and a few other jobs I found interesting for her.

So she's sleeping with this guy (who IS in the military), getting excited about their shared hobby (she sleeps with him EVERY time they do this) and telling me she isn't excited by me. Now, a lot of the problems she outlines I had, I've since gone a long way to correct (and for good reason; she was RIGHT). Now our relationship is MUCH corrected except for the depression I have over her relationship with this guy.
She's wrapped up in her NRE. She is saying things that she shouldn't. It upsets me when I hear that people are saying things like this. As for giving up something that you really enjoyed doing for her I'm sensing that you resent her a bit for it. If you've made the desision now you should really find a way to be ok with it.

You say your relationship with her is much improved. Focus on that rather than what she has with him. She's still with you and she's with you by choice. If she didn't want to be she would be gone by now.

Again, he is a mutual friend and now lives with us. I signed off on this because I thought her excitement would die down having him around all the time. Instead it got worse. They sleep together a few times a week. They generally take advantage of just about any time I'm not around to at least make out together.
If you aren't happy having him live there it's time to have a talk about him getting his own place. You shouldn't be uncomfortable in your own house. Make it clear that you aren't trying to end their relationship but you need your own space back and that they experiment of having him live there isn't working for you. As for them making out and having sex at every opportunity that's just going to happen with a new relationship. They're both running on hormones.

Now let me be clear: when things are good in our relationship, this is a huge turn on. I'm not threatened by her wanting to sleep with other people. Hell, I want to sleep with other people. She says that she loves him and he excites her. That's the threat.
Are you worried that she's going to leave you for him? Is that where the threat comes from? Has she made any indication at all that she doesn't want to be with you anymore? Control over someone else is an illusion. Even if she didn't have another relationship there's nothing saying that she will stay with you or not fall in love with someone else (even if she didn't act on it).

I can tell her to stop at any time and she will. But I know she likes it, and it isn't going to change how she feels, so I try to let this go as far as I can without becoming overly miserable. He's effectively her boyfriend at this point. I decided that I think I can handle this. I have a hard time articulating my feelings, but when I could I figured it came down to this:

It's important to me that I'm her best lay.
It's important to me that she loves me MORE.
So sex with different people is different. For the most part there is no worse and no better, there's just different energy. If you're connected to someone it's going to be good. As for loving someone more a lot of us can't really do that. I either love someone or I don't. I have more entaglements of day to day life with my husband and more history with him but I don't love him more than my girlfriend. She can tell you she loves you more and the sex is better with you but chances are she would just be saying it because that's what you want to hear.

She's mentioned the V relationship and that's unacceptable to me. A checkmark shape, sure, but not a V. She tells me that her brain doesn't work in a way to rank her love. This is frustrating. I cannot understand this thought process. I can understand loving multiple people. I can understand loving them differently. But I can't understand how you can have multiple people at the top rung of the love ladder. I'll admit I've never REALLY loved anyone other than my wife and child, but I'll be the first to admit (as sick as it may seem to people) that I love my wife more than my child.

As to the sex part, she and Steve have really agressive, acrobatic, wild sex. She and I have sex that's slower, with more grinding. She says that I'm a better lay and the only one that can get her off, but she has never been someone to let me have more wild, acrobatic sex because I'm a little more endowed and it hurts her. She's much more corrective of me during sex than him. So this all together makes it really hard to believe that I'm a better lay.
Do you believe that she loves you? Do you and she have a satisfying sex life? If you do then what she has with him is irrelevant. If you don't then you have things to work on between the two of you and what she has with him is still irrelevant.

A large part of this is that I don't feel I get a fair shake. She's into this military guy after getting me to leave the military. This guy has said, were the roles reversed, no way would he let her sleep with someone else. She's even talking about joining his branch of the military (which only makes sense as a big deal to those in my branch). I don't think it's fair because I'm the boring guy because I have a baby with her. We have the mundane crap we have to take care of together. When I'm dealing with our child she is effectively single, if only for a few hours.
Stop comparing yourself to him. There are always going to be differences between you and other people. I know how it feels to feel like the boring co-parent. I've felt that way too. Find a way to make yourself feel un-boring. Do something you love and feel passionate about. Find your fire again and start sharing it with her. Also have her stay home with the child for equal time as you are giving her and get out and do something. You are both this child's parents and should be putting equal time in parenting said child. Or, heck, if you're resenting her being out get a sitter and go out and do something fun too.

I feel cheated. I signed on for a friends with bennies relationship and now have a something that is a threat to my own relationship with my wife. Knowing that she loves him is okay, but knowing that I'm not clearly her #1 hurts me. I mean, I probably am right now, but she's quick to say that she doesn't think this way and readily would want a V. It hurts my feelings toward her. If I'm not clearly her #1, then it makes me feel that maybe our relationship isn't what I always thought it was and what I wanted in a relationship. In short, the fact that the realization 7 years and 1 child later that she doesn't feel about me the way I feel about is emotionally devastating.
I'm wondering if you're really hearing what she is saying. It sounds to me that she has 2 #1 men in her life. You haven't been replaced she's just found someone else who is worthy of the love she has to give.

I'm not throwing the towel in on my marriage. In part I believe that she loves me more right now, even if she doesn't articulate it. So part of me figures I should ride it out and it'll work out or I'll end in a V, in which I will leave. I still absolutely adore my wife. When I feel like I'm her #1, this is hot. When I don't, it is absolute torture.

Thanks guys for reading this much, it was a novel!

I'm sorry this was a harsh. I really think you need to focus more on yourself and your relationship with your wife. Talk to her about what you need from her to feel loved (not to be confused with what you would like her not to have with Steve). Set some boundaries around how often you are willing to stay home with your child. Look into getting some sitters. Find something you love to do and share your excitement with your wife. Oh and get your house back. If you're not 100% on board with him living with you then he needs to be living somewhere else.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.

Last edited by Derbylicious; 05-03-2011 at 04:13 AM.
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