Originally Posted by live4themusic
LovingRadiance, just out of curiousity, what exactly was the start of the discontent between you and your husband? I mean what brought you to counseling in the first place? What convinced you to try a sexually and romantically exclusive relationship? Do you think if you had stood your ground then you would have been able to stay with your now-husband in a nonmonogamous relationship? Was the happiness you've enjoyed with him worth the potential happiness with other people you may have missed out on?
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I may still have to learn the lesson you've learned at the cost of 11 years of your life the hard way though. Like I said I'm still deciding, and am determine at least to take advantage of the situation to indulge my sexual wild side, but I'm seriously thinking I could very well be happy in a permanent monogamous relationship.
Whew-lot of questions.
Bare with me while i try to answer sensibly!
The START of discontent in our relationship... honestly it was there from the beginning in a way. In the beginning while I was honest about myself-he was in the midst of what ended up being a 9 year custody battle for his son. A child I love as well (and have ended up raising too). Having a polyamorous marriage would certainly not have helped him win that battle, but being married-ironically-did. So there was discontent there from the beginning-but it was "for a good cause" so to speak and there was so much more.
His ex was hooked on some heavy drugs (they both used during their 9 year relationship). She had a bad habit of selling herself for her drugs and he was emotionally very fragile when we got involved. I felt it was REASONABLE to "give him time" to get over his emotional issues. We have known each other for 21 years or so, we have been together 11, so I knew his situation, his son, his life etc before we got involved-and he knew mine reasonably well.
Unfortunately as I said-his custody battle ended up going 9 years into our marriage. He started "running away" to out of town jobs and anything at all to get away from the stress leaving me with his emotionally destoyed son. I love hte boy-but he needed serious psychological care-and I wasn't legally able to get it for him. The ex-wife tried to kidnap my kids (twice). A whole load of crap.
As years dragged on I did have an affair (about year 3) and then we seperated for a year.
Things have improved bits at a time in the years since. But the last straw leading to counseling was his inability to appropriately communicate-and my unwillingness to continue to subject myself to a relationship with someone who didn't respect and love me (or himself) enough to work on self improvement and getting over his past.
So we started counseling-which is amazingly changing his view on many things as he realizes how much of life he's missed out on while hiding from his own past.
I adore my husband-and no I wouldn't give up the good things we've experienced or have NOW. But I still think I would have been better off standing my ground then... I guess it's all .... perspective.
Anyway-I could have had a happy loving relationship with him even if I stood my ground, and I don't care about the possible loves I missed-because I don't know them. But I don't know that I could have lived with knowing I caused him to lose custody of his son to a drug addict who never could care for the boy... And I don't think he could have handled it at all.
He just wasn't ready for that. He may not be still-time will tell. He has time to consider what he can or can't do and as I've told him-if he says "sorry honey I love you but I can't do this" then we will seperate as friends. I could never hate him. He will always have a treasured place in my heart whatever he decides.
I HOPE he finds that he CAN handle a poly-relationship. But I am not counting on it. Either way-I love him and always will. But I have to be fully honest about myself-to myself and everyone else as well. I am in fact fully honest about it to the people in my life as well. I don't broadcast that we HAVE a poly relationship-because really that would be a slap in the face for him while he's trying to get used to the idea. But everyone who knows me knows I am poly by nature. ....
did that answer your questions? I hope that helped some. I have had a heck of a confusing life and don't mind answering any questions-just don't always know HOW to express it all without writing a book!