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Old 05-02-2011, 04:52 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serendipity View Post
(...committed relationship, falling for another, scared to tell your bf about your feelings...)

But it started with the hard decision that I needed to do it. I felt agonizing guilt for half a year prior, knowing that I had feelings for another person. I never stepped a toe out of line when it came to our expectations of monogamy, except that I had these feelings I couldn't express that were slowly eating away at my happiness. After a long time I decided that I didn't care if it was insane, that I would learn to love two people, and that had to be acceptable somehow.
This is exactly where I was for over a decade. It had reached the point where the guilt over carrying the secret, and the knowledge of how much it would hurt if/when I shared that secret, was driving me away from my wife. Even when I was with her, I wasn't "there."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serendipity View Post
(...consider the possible outcomes...)
Oh, I have. The worst of it was the knowledge of how much it was going to hurt her at first. That was why I made the mistake of keeping it a secret for so very long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serendipity View Post
How do you feel when you consider staying monogamous for the rest of your marriage?
Resentful. I love my wife, and I want to be with her for the rest of my days, but not only with her. I feel what I feel, and I can't not feel it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serendipity View Post
Which is worse, the prospect of staying monogamous with her for the rest of your lives, or her leaving and you both continuing with your lives separately?
But for our son, the the latter would be heartbreaking, but workable. It would be the worst-case scenario to me, but I can no longer pretend to be someone I am not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serendipity View Post
(...)

For the record, I did tell my boyfriend. We were both terrified of what this meant, but when he saw how frightened it made me to think of losing him, he kind of understood that this wasn't about just messing around, or trying on another guy before I decided to dump him. I made it very clear that I was being honest, and that I loved him as much as ever, and I intended to keep him in my life. This was not about replacing him, it was about wanting to not have to lie and go behind his back to feel fulfilled and feel love with others.
This is it exactly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serendipity View Post
It took constant reassurance, and constant communication, but we did open up our relationship. Our 4 year anniversary is in a couple weeks. <3 We're as happy as ever.
:-)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serena View Post
(...felt poly for years...afraid to tell husband for fear of hurting him, and then he suggested it himself...)

(...developed into a quad, had some trouble with that, and ended up separating for unrelated reasons...)

I just wanted to tell you you're not alone, and that guilt will get you no where. It's based on an outdated notion that anything other than traditional monogamy should be condemned...don't condemn yourself. Embracing your own heart is so important to being clear with yourself and your partner.
Thank you. Being able to simply love without guilt is amazing. We're still on the roller coaster, but Thursday and Friday were some of the most intensely wonderful days I have ever spent with my wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serena View Post
That said, when I began "coming out" to friends and family, it wasn't easy. It definitely taught me more about myself, however, and helped me clarify how I view things because I was bombarded with so many questions (and judgements).

Now, those close to me know who I am and support me. My current primary partner is amazing and understanding, and we are building a life based on honesty and compassion. I am still very close with my former husband, and now know that I will never have to hide in guilt again. It's incredibly liberating.

Best of luck to you, the polyfriendly therapist is a great choice!!! Congrats Serendipity on your anniversary <3
Yes, yes to all of that! I'm a bit scared about coming out to her parents in particular, but we're not even close to that part of the ride yet. I think we're still on the warm-up hills in the beginning. Until we get past the "in theory" part of polyamory to actually practicing it (though my wife is definitely mono, and I will not push her to try being poly), I don't think it makes sense to go there anyway.
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