Thanks for your thoughts and advice.
NYCindie- It may be possessiveness but Im not sure, perhaps it is in some ways... M is the most giving person I know and often literally "gives" things she loves/cares for away because she wants the receiver to experience the joy she gets from it. However even she has admitted there are some things in her life that she wants all to herself, and she is most definitly not a possessive person. She laughs a beautiful laugh when she says it makes her happy to think my others give me pleasure, the thought of me being me. The thought of me being happy in whatever capacity makes her happy. Amazing... I'm not worthy of this... but I strive to be.
I didnt mention this in my post because I would rather adress a current issue with current "tools", and frankly Im tired of it re-surfacing as a "possible" reason whereas the "reason" for a problem is not the solution to the problem from a behavoralist point of view... A "reason" can become an excuse, and an excuse is worthless. However, yes, allegence was violated long ago when I was a child when I found my mother on two occassions after suicide attempts. Be that as it may, possibly identifing the source of abandonment issues does little to solve the problem.
I will look into your thoughts and Dr. Low's book. I could use some arrows in my quiver to combat this. Thank you.
RedPepper- Your compassion and oppenness continues to awe me. I dont feel quite so much like a jerk for my loathed athough similar irrational reactions knowing that even you have experienced them. I wish you success in freeing yourself from them and I appreciate your input very much.
Mono- I have been trying to "accept through exposure" and although sickeningly painfull at times, I have endured. I havn't spontaniously combusted yet and I daresay it is the only thing that has made these times aproaching tollerable. That and M's incredible gentleness twords me even when it took everything I had not to be a raging idiot. She does not flaunt her happiness with her others, and never has resorted to an absolutly justifiable retort of "YOU ARE DOING THE SAME THING!!!" of which she would be absolutly justified and accurate in saying. Ill heed your advice and keep jumping.
Thanks for your thoughts.