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Old 05-01-2011, 07:27 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 150

G is still having a hard time with this. I'm continuing to give her love and support, but I'm trying not to "go the extra mile" too much to show her I love her, because I'm afraid of setting an unsustainable precedent, and when the extra effort eventually tapers off as its bound to, she'll be right back to square 1. So instead, I'm making careful, calculated efforts and just focusing on being a good lover and husband every day, rather than trying to do something over the top and dramatic. I want things to "settle-in" a bit, I guess. I think they're starting to, anyways.

L's spiritual ordeals have settled down, though perhaps not entirely concluded. I see her at least one night a week, and the bond between us is growing, though it'll never be the same as what G and I share. I believe L and I are both OK with this, though I can tell L wants more... she just knows that I'm not the man who can GIVE her more. I can't be her husband, I'm already a husband.

I've been reading "Sex at Dawn", and that book and I are essentially on exactly the same page. The questions the author asks regarding the "established" view are exactly the same ones I raised as an Anthropology student, and the conclusions he's drawn are very much in line with how I see human sexuality. The difficult question then becomes, how do I go about recommending this book to friends and family without coming "out" completely?

There has been a little bit of drama lately, and I'm a little unsure of how I should feel about it. Right now, I'm feeling some mixed emotions. Last week, when I was visiting L, I came back from work late, and as I was getting to her place, she was heading out for a meeting with photographers and some other models regarding a shoot to take place Saturday (yesterday). I ate and went to bed, exhausted after a 12 hour day, and expected her home at some point before the middle of the night, but she didn't come back until 2:30, and she was stumbling around. I assumed she was drunk, but she didn't smell drunk, and I know she doesn't do drugs. She was confused because she didn't have much to drink (4 or 5 over several hours, which for her is very little - I've personally seen her put away a couple bottles of wine and still be totally together), and through a clumsy confused babble, I gathered that someone had slipper her a roofy and that her friend and former bodyguard from the previous summer's work had decked the guy and brought her home, knowing I'd be there to take care of her. Needless to say, I was not pleased one bit that he'd let her drink out of his sight for a moment, and I was mad at myself for going to sleep instead of going out and keeping an eye on her. She'd never had this happen before, and apparently it was a guy she had seen around before, but not someone she really knows. Just someone she'd seen at shoots and events. I helped her around the house, to the bathroom, to eat some food, drink some water, get undressed, etc, as motor control is rather lacking when rohypnol or a similar skeletal muscle relaxer is in the mix. She felt ok the next day, and I was worried about the upcoming shoot, but she assured me she'd be well looked after and OK. ...then, last night, G and I were sound asleep, when at 2 AM I got a call from L. It happened again, and this time she was at home alone afterwards without me to help her. I felt angry and powerless, being two hours away, but also annoyed by the fact that she let this happen to her again. So I talked her through it, made sure she got into bed ok, made her promise to sleep on her stomach or side. She seemed together enough to get to sleep ok, so I didn't drive up (I wouldn't have made it there until almost 5 anyways)... though I offered, she said she didn't want to spark G's ire anymore than she had already by calling so late, and frankly I agreed with that assessment. I haven't heard from her today, and I'm a little worried, but I also know that she's definitely got something nasty to sleep off.

In G's mind, she's annoyed that we were woken up, that L would let this happen to her TWICE, and as a grown woman, should take better care of herself. She was also peeved that I was ready to head up there for her, but in truth, I would have headed up for any of my friends had they truly needed my help, and G knows that I'm that sort of man. It's part of why she loves me.

Part of what I'm feeling now is guilt at my annoyance, and that I didn't go to her, even though I know she didn't want to be alone. I feel like my loyalty was divided, and that I spared G emotional pain at the expense of L's physical risk. I guess I'm mad at myself, and annoyed at G for her selfishness, even though I completely understand it. Sigh.
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