I have sought advice from these threads before and hope someone can get through to me. I could really use some help here. Either help or a good hard kick in the arse... I would prefer the help though because I have been doing a lot of self arse kicking and it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. I think I'm 'kicking' the wrong place...
Here is the short version... More background follows, it is all relevant and I imagine provides insight but I figured few people would want to wade through it... It was cathartic for me to write it all out though and maybe, just maybe by reading about my struggles someone may be able to avoid the pain I have gone through...
*MY problem* is that I am acting like a hypocrite…. I despise double standards yet I am the epitome of that kind of hypocrite. I see this in myself and am struggling fiercely trying to rid my life and relationship of it. I ashamedly can not seem to get past an obvious double standard I am aware of but for the life of me cant seem to reason it away. Confidants have said it is because I am a ‘male’…. That statement is unacceptable to me. I don't want to be like this and I don't like it. My behavior is very upsetting to me and I am embarrassed and ashamed that I can not ‘make it go away.’
I am divorced... twice. This was largely due to me needing something “more” than one relationship can offer. I believe I have finally accepted this about myself although what I seem to need is more of a physical “more” than an additional emotional relationship. Cheating and lying destroyed my marriages and I vowed I would not deceive anyone again.
My significant other (we have been emotionally and sexually together for about a year and a half), M, has been understanding, patient and gracious. We have tons of fun together and both of us have blissfully, joyously agreed that we are having the best sex (with each other) than we have ever experienced with anyone... By far!
I have two m/f couples that I (sheepishly...) enjoy getting together with every month or so for "playtime" as we called our afternoons (3 or4 hours) of threesome purely sexual fun. I also have a longtime (13 years) female friend, C, who became a “friend and more” 7 months ago. I have always admired C and we agreed to try adding a physical aspect to our friendship on a “trial” basis to see if it “worked” for both of us. C is aware of my struggles with M and agreed to “help” me be more comfortable with my dilemma by association (if that’s the right word), meaning friendship with sex so I can hopefully be more comfortable with M’s relationships. I have sought advice about C from this site because she has other boyfriends that did not know about each other or me… I have since stopped being physical with her once I found out her others did not know about me. She also has two great kids that I really enjoy spending time with. C and I see each other every other week or so and hang out with the kids. She wants to continue the physical part of our relationship (I do too..) but knows I will not be part of that deception and accepts it. I try to help her see what deception can do to peoples lives but somehow she manages to justify “non-disclosure” to herself.
Although I absolutely believe in the principle “What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander"... I can't seem to internalize it. Or in my case; 'What's good for the gander should be good for the goose too'.
My angst is that my significant other, M, and I are trying to have an open relationship, monogomy hasn't worked real well in the past BUT I have feelings of severe anxiety (that’s the closest I can do to identify what happens) when she tells me she: 1-Has met someone of interest. 2-and again when she has scheduled a 'date'. 3- Then for a day or so before the actual date straight through until a day or so after the date.
I hate this feeling, it twists my guts in a knot, I don't feel like eating, I feel the need to distance' myself from her because ridiculous, spiteful remarks are on the tip of my tounge that I DO NOT WANT to say. These feelings generally go away once there is “distance” between her “interludes”. M knows I react like this and 'understands' I’m not doing it TO discourage her from her relationships, but she is discouraged that I have these reactions. I fully acknowledge I have no right, nor will I stand between her relationships but I am far, far from so called compersion. So very strangely I do not feel this way about C and her boyfriends… I totally accept I am a small part of C’s life and I am perfectly fine with that. I have none of the anxious feelings with C. In fact I do truly want her to be happy in whatever she does. However, if C left my life, although I would miss her, I would not be devastated as I would be for the loss of M.
M, on the other hand claims to truly feel joy and is happy knowing I have 'friends' that give me pleasure. I despise double standards yet I am the epitome of that kind of hypocrite. I see this in myself and am struggling fiercely trying to rid my life and relationship of it.
We both haven’t done well with traditional relationships and thought this might work for us. I 'introduced' her to having simultaneous relationships and she has found what real honest communication is like and is, in her words 'experiencing what an actual sex life is'.
I don't think we are polyamorists, but we have 'friendships', some sexual- outside of our relationship.
MY struggle is that I still get almost incapacitated with fear of abandonment and its nasty attributes as well as huge inner conflict of 'ganderism' wishing she would only want me while at the same time accepting within myself that I seem to 'need' aspects of relationships outside what M and I share. I fully recognize how horribly hypocritical this is... I see the double standard plain as day but I can NOT rationalize it away! Please help...
*Believe it or not, that is the short version.*
If you want to know more, ask and I will post the rest. It is relevent but Im long winded and these threads have a limit! Again, MY struggle is that I still get almost incapacitated with fear of abandonment and its nasty attributes as well as huge inner conflict of 'ganderism' wishing she would only want me while at the same accepting within myself that I seem to 'need' aspects of relationships outside what M and I share. I fully recognize how horribly hypocritical this is... I see the double standard plain as day but I can NOT rationalize it away! Please help...
Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-01-2011 at 02:58 PM.
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