Originally Posted by Ariakas
and sorry RP I know you have two, I can't fathom having two primaries. The time would be badly split between the two people. I just don't see how it would be possible.
So ways to cope, find a hobby outside the relationship.
Well you just answered it here... find hobbies, do stuff, be active in your life. have a life outside of your relationships; as I said earlier...
I underlined "badly" because there is absolutely nothing "bad" about it. I'm kind of am insulted by that actually, but maybe I am taking it on as a judgement?
It makes me think that in some way I am falling short of spending time with my two live in partners, which is entirely not the case.
PN right now is writing. He has been given the opportunity to achieve his goal of being a writer because I am occupied elsewhere some of the time. Before Mono came into our lives I was always around and he was not able to concentrate. I was looking for attention and to do stuff that he is uninterested in doing at the best of times, let alone regularly.
Now he writes and I am well entertained. He has his life, I have mine and we do it walking side by side. Don't get me wrong, we spend time together, its the same amount as before actually. Just divided differently and with a different attitude about how we spend time together.
Mono stays up late, as do I. He spends his time alone quite often as he likes that. He likes to ride and visit friends that don't want to know me and I then have time to spend with PN and LB (our son). Yup, nothing bad about it.
The difference I think is that there is no expectation that we all hang out together when we would rather be doing our own thing... no co-dependence and traditional assumptions that as a married couple we should spend every moment together. We are all in this because it works. If it wasn't working and we didn't enjoy our independence, we wouldn't be in a functional poly relationship and would be theorists instead.
There is nothing wrong with liking the idea of poly but not being able to create certain aspects of it or any of it for that matter. The idea is to create what works and adjust to what is offered... if adjusting is not working or too hard and creating what works is not working, then look for a partner that will spend the time you want to spend with someone and move on...