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Old 04-30-2011, 06:31 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
That's because she's sharing these moments with the REAL you!
Well, now I'm not so sure. We had some amazing time together today and tonight. I can't remember when I'd felt such undiluted love and desire for her. Not carrying guilt over concealing my feelings will do that, I guess.

Now, that said, she said some things today that have left me confused. She made some remark about "in this new arrangement" earlier, but I was so fogged with physical desire for her that I don't remember what was said, but those words at least were encouraging. Later, after we had been intimate (and holy $#!k it was better than I ever remembered), she made a remark about me not looking anywhere else for what we'd just had, so I'm wracking my brain trying to think if I've said anything over the past week, while trying to reassure her, that has ended up misleading her. What we felt today was so intense, and so beautiful, and I don't want to spoil it by starting another round of "protective deception," as it were, but I also don't want to be pushy about poly--I am well and truly willing to wait in order to work on us as a couple first, but having still imagined being in love with my crush (to whom I have never disclosed my feelings nor have I begun anything in any way) today even while still being in the throes of very intense love for my wife, and having still felt giddy about what I imagined, I don't believe that what I've interpreted as my poly feelings are in any way just substitutions for the closeness that my wife and I used to have. That closeness was back today, stronger than I've ever felt it, yet my other feelings were still there.

We're seeing the therapist together in a couple of days. Out of deference to not being pushy about poly, I wonder if I should wait until then, or if I should risk pushing her back to her scared place by (gently) making sure that none of us are living under miscommunication and the resultant misconceptions. I can see arguments either way. I'd really hate to have her feel relief and intense love based upon a misconception, only to have that dashed hard in a few days, but I also would really hate to push on the topic while she's just barely over the initial shock (or is that really just me being a chickenshit like I was for so many years in the first place?).
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