I am having a really hard time accepting this situation. Should I compromise my beliefs in polyamorous potential in order to mend my relationship with Mary, or would that just be setting us up for disaster down the line? Should I just get over her and hope that I might one day meet someone else I could love as much as I love her (which at this point seems kind of hopeless to me)?
I feel compelled to respond. I compromised my beliefs for my now husband 11 years ago. It HAS been a disaster. I love him, he loves me. We have children and we're both great parents. But in giving up such an integral part of myself I lost something that made me the vibrant woman he fell in love with. Here we are 11 years later in counseling, wondering if we can salvage our relationship and step one was me accepting that I CAN NOT be a monogomous person in my mind just because he wants me to.
It wasn't enough for him that I agreed not to practice poly relationships, he wanted me to stop FEELING that they are ok, BELIEVING that they are ok. I couldn't-so I quit talking about it and ultimately quit talking about a lot of things-because my views on LOTS of topics were affected by the poly beliefs I hold and vice versa.
Ultimately it has caused resentment. Now he's stuck deciding if he can deal with the REAL me and we already have 11 years of responsibilities behind us-so it's not as easy a break if he decides he can't.
I would advise that it's NEVER a good idea to compromise anything that is integral to your personality in order to be with someone. Sometimes love IS NOT enough. You can love someone and not BE with them and sometimes that is preferable!
Compromises should be limited to things that don't destroy your basic self. If you start breaking down your basic self you are also destroying the person that the other person loves and it's just one huge boiling disaster!
"Love As Thou Wilt"