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Old 04-29-2011, 07:53 AM
Altea Altea is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Poland
Posts: 7
Default Still too confused

I wrote some time ago about my situation http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8436

I made research on how to deal with problems and well, obviously I found two keywords: talking with each other and setting some ground rules.

I spoke with my bf about our expectations. And I ended up even more confused than before we talked

I said that I approve of polyamory not only as triad but also as a vee (or other configurations) if he wants as long as I can keep friendly with my eventuall metamours and he with his (I didn't want to make huge boundries but I just can't imagine a situation when I and an eventuall metamour would fight each other or very dislike each other, it would feel bad)
Then I said that I know, he has issues with sex and that I am open to try swinging if that is what he really desires.

He said he likes the idea of both polyamory and swinging which is fine with me.

I said only, which is true and I guess it will be hard to change for me, that I don't want to have what I call 'an open relatinship'. I said that I don't want us to date someone who the other side wouldn't at least like somehow, and that also getting to know new people just for one-night stands is something I don't approve of.
I don't know if this is much, or normal. I just know that these are the limits for me now, because I still have problems trusting him after all the bad things he had said to me in the past.

At first he agreed. But a few hours later he came to me and said that it is stupid that I agree to polyamory and swinging but not to an open raletionship. Ha said that it hurts his freedom and that he hopes that I will change my opinions couse other way he will have to dump me. He said that he feels that I will chain him to me and not let him be himself. He added that it is limiting to him that I would like to know and like the persons he is dating/sleeping with (although he knows that among the many people we both know (about 150) there are only 3 girls I don't get along with and that because they started fighting with me. I am usually very friendly towards others as long as tey are fair.

I said that I don't know how it will be in the future. That I have some limits now and that I hope he will respect then and later on they will probably change. But the thing that I have to at leas a bit like his other girls will for sure never change (as I wrote before I can't imagine such a situation can be good). Of course the same would go for me- he would have to like the peopole I would want to get involved with. But he said that he is afraid that it won't work and that nothing will change.

And again I felt lost and alone and confused. Cause I know I'm not ready to give him now all the freedom he wants but I realy, realy want to give him what he wants in the future (except this one thing that I don't want him to be dating people I heve myself never ever met or people I get along very bad), but I just need his help to gain each others trust again, and that's something he just won't understad and what he is afraid of
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