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Old 04-28-2011, 03:51 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Hullo and welcome!

Oftentimes, age really doesn't matter. No matter what you want to do that is a bit out of mainstream script-of-life, some people will say you are too young to know your own heart. You are off-age and there are no kids involved, so why not go for it? There might even be a slight advantage to being young and exploring polyamory, because 'playing the field' is viewed by many people as part of youth - things are a lot harder when you are thirty-something married with kids, in terms of what the society views as acceptable romantic behavior.

That being said, there is really no excuse for not self-educating at this point. There is a lot of advice available on jealousy and communication (tag searches on both will bring up a lot of useful threads). One of my absolute favorite quotes on the issue is by Mr. Franklin Veaux on his great, tongue-in-cheek 'How to make relationships suck?';

"One thing that can really help you with this is cultivating insecurity. If you are insecure, then it becomes much easier to distrust your partnerís motives, and the urge to control your partner will become much stronger.

Letís say that you secretly believe you are not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, or not sexy enough for your partner. You still have a problem; if youíre generally unlovable, why would your partner be with you? You can answer this conundrum by inventing a story: Your partner is with you because he or she doesnít know any better. However, if he or she meets someone prettier or smarter or sexier than you, of course he or she will wake up, see the error, and abandon you for that other person!"

And advice on how to use making comparisons to help you screw up a relationship;

"Of course, we all know that comparing yourself to other people is a great way to end in madness. You can say things like 'Iím not a skinny as her' or 'Iím not as wealthy as her' or 'Iím not as popular as him' and end up feeling bad about yourself in no time. And Iím not knocking that technique at
all; itís a great way to undermine your self-confidence and with it, your relationships.

But an advanced practitioner at the art of screwing things up knows that there are variations on this theme which are more subtle, but also more effective. One of these is particularly well-suited to polyamory, and that is to draw inferences about what your partner wants by looking at your partnerís
other partners.

This is as simple as finding some point of difference between yourself and your partnerís other sweetie, or even between yourself and your partnerís exes, and telling yourself 'This is what my partner actually wants.'

Start simple. If you are short and your partnerís other sweetie is tall, just tell yourself 'My partner really prefers tall people.' Use your imagination; get creative. You can always find something about someone else thatís different from you! 'I am introverted; my partnerís other sweetie is an extrovert.
That means my partner really likes extroverts.' I donít know how to cook, and my partnerís ex-boyfriend was a master chef. My partner really wants to be with someone who can cook.Ē

Whatever it is, the trick is to find some point of difference, and then talk yourself into believing that your partner really wants whatever it is that makes you different, and use this as 'evidence' that your partner doesnít really want to be with you."
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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