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Old 04-28-2011, 06:28 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Like everyone else has said, give it time. My gut reaction is that her saying that she is going to move away and take your child with her is borne out of the fear of the unknown.
Yes, I completely agree, and I believe that her mindset right now is so completely screaming fear that I just want to give her time to feel what she feels, and when the intensity of that feeling relaxes, then we can fill in the missing pieces so that they are no longer unknown.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
It's wonderful that you have been honest with her. The 2 of you are doing all the right things by being honest and seeing someone who can help ask the questions for you to be able to move forward.

There is always the chance that non-monogamy will always be a deal breaker for your wife. In that case the focus will have to be on your son and how to best co-parent without being married anymore. It's way too early to say if that's the way it's going to go yet.
I agree with this, too. It is also too early for a decision to be made one way or the other, though that is exactly what she says she wants from me right now. She told me that she is withholding saying that she loves me, and does not want affection from me, because she is afraid of being hurt if I choose polyamory (I didn't go into the fact that, for me, I did not choose it--it chose me). She does not, at this time, find my willingness to put polyamory aside and focus on us acceptable, because she knows that means that at some point, it won't STAY put aside, and she'll have to deal with this again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Is there a local poly group where your wife can meet some people who are poly and who's lives are going well?
This is Austin, Texas. I'm certain that there is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Maybe even meet the mono wife of a poly man? Sometimes seeing that it can be done and it can work for everyone involved can help. (It might be too soon for such a move though...although doing the research now for when she is ready might be a good idea).
Yes, it's far too soon, I think, but this is an excellent idea, and talking to such a couple would be very good for me, too. There's a great yawning chasm between the way I see the world and the way she sees the world, and just understanding how bridging that gap is even possible--in a kind, patient, compassionate way--would do us a world of good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Court your wife again. Take her out places that she likes to go and do things that the 2 of you haven't done together for years. Chances are she's feeling like you want to replace her for someone younger/hotter. She needs to feel that you cherish her. For a while that might really mean going above and beyond with the romance and dating.

Hope that helps a bit.
It does, but the unfortunate truth right now is that she does not want to be courted. She wants to protect herself from being hurt while she hopes that I choose to continue our monogamous relationship. Even as she says that, she says she's not sure she can ever completely trust me again; thus, I fear that unless we can bridge the divide somehow, my marriage is well and truly fucked, and it's all my fault.

I'm not giving up just yet, though (boy, would that be stupid!). We're going to change from me seeing the counselor to us seeing the counselor, and see where that goes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I think it's great that you've been honest with her. As for her telling you she'd leave and take your child, if he's in his early teens he already has the legal right to make that decision of who he wants to live with and she's not allowed to make it for him.
Well, it depends where you live. I'd check on that, but where I'm from it starts at 13, which is the earliest teen there is.
Sure, but that is still a terrible position to put him in. I've been there myself, when I was a child. It shaped fundamentally what I thought I believed about marriage--I wanted to be as sure as I could possibly be that I was really and truly in love with The One, and that it was going to be for life, not thrown away just because it got difficult. And, of course, part of all of that was the monogamous social conditioning, to the point that I repressed my poly feelings for years, felt ashamed of them, and hated myself for them. That, at least, is done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Otherwise, her "if you are going to be poly I'm going to leave you" in itself isn't blackmail. It's honest, just like "If I'm not allowed to be poly with your consent, I'll probably cheat without it instead" isn't blackmail but honest.
I get what you're saying, but making a statement like that would end it, I'm certain. Maybe it needs to end. I sure hope not.

She broached the possibility of living as roommates instead of as husband and wife, for the sake of both of us being here for our son. I think she'd hate that (such self-sacrifice breeds resentment, and there is not one damned noble thing about that--it's more social conditioning that we should all put into the bin just as fast as we possibly can), and even if we cannot agree on how to live together, I don't want her to be miserable. I do, honest and truly, still love her. It's a hard problem, given that we both love our son and want the best for him. I could even see stuffing poly, as hard as that would be, for the remaining years until he's grown, but if my wife will not trust me, the marriage would still be a sham. I can potentially live mono for a few more years, but I cannot live without love, affection, and companionship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
If you can't live without poly and she can't live with it, breaking up makes perfect sense to me. Of course in your case there is a child to think about, who hasn't asked for any of this, and it's very sad that it's turning out to be that way.

Personally I think that being honest is the best you can do. You cannot control your feelings and you have controlled your actions, which is the most you can do. You have told her about the way she felt, and what did you expect her to do? She was given the option to either stay with who you are or leave who you are, and it seems divorce is what she wants between the two.
I did not make an ultimatum. I had hoped that, once the initial shock wore off, that negotiation of boundaries and baby steps could begin. She's pushing for a conclusion rather more quickly, and I'm trying to beg her off until the emotions subside. I told her that I thought that making such big decisions while we were both emotional was foolish, and she did not disagree. Understandably, she doesn't want to feel like she has to protectively cocoon herself indefinitely, so to the counselor we go, to see if we can at least temporarily resolve the impasse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
If she doesn't want affection anymore and she doesn't tell you she loves you and doesn't want to say it either, it seems to me she's made her decision. You can try and make things better, but with what you know (that you aren't fundamentally compatible) is that really the best option? Wouldn't it just drag on a relationship that wouldn't work anyways?
What you say may certainly be true. I do not think, though--especially given that we have a child together--that four days is long enough to just throw in the towel on a relationship that spans nearly two decades. I don't think you think so, either, but I do hear what you are saying, and I agree with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I don't know, it seems that people are often on the side of "make the relationship keep going!" even when it seems that it would hurt everyone involved. In this case, your wife, you and your son. I'm certainly not in that case. I think some things can be worked around and compromised around, and polyamory sometimes is one of them, but right now only you are willing to compromise and meet her halfway, and she's going "walk the other half, sucker!" so I fail to see how it could get anywhere at all.
It's only been four days. I'm the one who dropped this bomb on her, so it's up to me to step up and be patient and generous. I'll not wait forever, but it seems shallow and self-absorbed to just give up without first trying REALLY HARD to make it work, and part of that means waiting for the shock to wear off. I don't think we can get anywhere until that happens.

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.
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