View Single Post
Old 04-27-2011, 06:55 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 146

Originally Posted by BFTrick View Post
Let me start with I have never been in a poly relationship nor have I ever met a poly person in real life. I am fascinated by the idea and I want to explore it.

I am starting to believe that significant others are just really good friends. I don't think there is any special magic that makes a girlfriend any different than a girl you are friends with. That extra connection you feel towards your girlfriend is something you create and it is based on whatever makes you like people.

Having thought about this for a little bit this is the route I want to take if I ever get into another relationship. I want to be friends first and see where things go from there.
This is certainly an interesting way to think about it. That said, I have really good friends, I have my wife, and I have my crushes. They are definitely on different levels of feeling to me. I am a straight guy, however, and all of my really good friends are also men (by design, as I have thus far avoided cultivating close friendships with women for fear of falling for them and straying in my currently-mono marriage).

(...likes M, but hasn't discussed poly with her for fear of scaring her away...)

To make things more confusing there is another girl in this story (we can call her K) that wants to be physical with me. I don't want to be anything with K but I wouldn't mind some playful sex. Despite the fact that M & I aren't a couple I still want to tell her. I feel that it is the right thing to do.

I know polyamory is all about being open and honest but when is the best time to tell M? How do I bring this up? Would it be easier to not talk about K (and obviously not have sex with her) until after M & I have talked about poly and sorted through it?
M will be very hurt if you sleep with K and only tell her after the fact, I suspect. Society has conditioned us all to think that, by default, we pursue with the goal of exclusivity. If you desire to be poly, then, yes, I believe the honorable course of action is to tell M about that, first, before sleeping with K. Tell M about K, and tell K about M (and have the poly talk with K, too). Make it clear to K that you just want an FWB arrangement. You may end up not getting together with either of them as the result of being honest, but you will at least avoid severe hurt feelings later on, and you will have a clean conscience. You can't buy that.

My last thought bugs me the most. How do I know if I'm poly? I would like to think that I am. I know I'm not very jealous and I know that I want my friends to be happy - sometimes even at my expense. I feel that these qualities tend to be found in poly people. But it is hard to know until I have been in a poly relationship. A corollary is that if I am not poly and I find out it doesn't work what if I just threw away a perfectly good relationship with a great girl?
There will be others, and you may even be able to reconcile after some time. How do you know if you're poly? If you're in love with one girl, and you feel like you're falling crazy in love with another, too, you're probably poly. If you're in love with one girl, and despite your best efforts not to think of another girl you know, you can't stop thinking about her and can't stop imagining sharing part of your life with her but don't want to toss away the relationship with the first girl, you're probably poly.

At least, that's how it is with me. I hope that helps.
Reply With Quote