When talking it through doesn't help..? Advice appreciated
I'll try to make this brief. I've recently opened my love life up to polyamory, and I entirely identify with the ideals it promotes, and the ability to allow our relationships to be just as they are, without boxing them up or saying always or never.
I've begun dating T, long distance. He does not identify as polyamorous, even though he's currently enjoying the fact that we have a sincere loving relationship, while I support him when he satisfies his sexual or intimate desires with other women, and he supports the primary relationship I have at home. He says that part of his reasoning for not identifying as Poly is because he may one day want an exclusive relationship with someone to be happy, and because he would empathize with a woman if she asked him to be monogamous with her.
We agree that our long distance relationship is important and meaningful to both of us, even though it obviously isn't based on constant physical presence. However, sexuality and romance are a very important aspect of the way we please one another, its simply limited to what we can accomplish over the internet, or during the points when we're able to visit each other.
Recently he's expressed interest in being with a girl in a primary relationship. No one specifically yet, and he doesn't plan on actively looking really, but he has decided that a regular relationship with more proximity is something he'd like. He has also expressed to me the possibility that if he falls in love with a girl who decides that for the two of them to be a serious couple, they'd need to be monogamous, he would consider leaving me to pursue it.
I stand firmly on the notion that he should make the choice that makes him happier. However its brought me a serious amount of insecurity and grief to feel like even though T and I might still have romantic feelings, he might chose to neglect them in exchange for other romantic feelings (based on whether or not a new primary relationship demands it, and whether he's willing to give up our relationship for it). The thing that really bothers me is that its a real risk in our relationship. I'm investing my emotions very heavily in this relationship, and i feel like I'm being given the kinds of return I need to make it worth it and to be happy this way, but it's pushing my comfort level to know that our relationship isn't about the freedom to love each other while we're in love, but instead to love each other unless someone who could make him happier wants otherwise.
And when we break it down in converstaion, I know its his choice in the end. But that's what bothers me, that he could chose one or the other, instead of honoring the love for what it is. I'd understand if he needed time with a new girl to establish a bond and trust, but that would be with the understanding that we're still allowed to express our true feelings again with time, and with goals in mind. Instead of just while its convinenient to love each other.
I know a lot of this is my own insecurity playing into fears, but the more we talk about it, the more it feels like a genuine risk and threat to our ability to be a couple. I'm not sure how to make peace with it, and I'm not sure how to approach it in a way that I can find a comfortable place. Worst of all, I'm not sure how to instruct him to comfort me. My usual fall back is to talk about it, but like i said, that makes me just upset all over again.
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before, or at the very least have constructive thoughts for how I can approach these feelings. I've been trying to face them, and now I want to be able to let them go. Where do I begin?
***Edit*** Just wanted to clarify, I'm saying I know this is a situation that just sucks, and I have to try to get over it. I'm looking for advice on HOW to go about getting over it without just ending the relationship while the rest of it is lovely.
Last edited by Serendipity; 09-29-2009 at 05:55 AM.