When/Where to Discuss Being Poly
I kind of want to talk about two things: (1) my current thoughts on relationships and (2) where I am now with my relationships. If you can read all the way through the first part I have some questions about where I should go from here.
My Current Thoughts on Relationships
Let me start with I have never been in a poly relationship nor have I ever met a poly person in real life. I am fascinated by the idea and I want to explore it.
I am starting to believe that significant others are just really good friends. I don't think there is any special magic that makes a girlfriend any different than a girl you are friends with. That extra connection you feel towards your girlfriend is something you create and it is based on whatever makes you like people.
Having thought about this for a little bit this is the route I want to take if I ever get into another relationship. I want to be friends first and see where things go from there.
My Current Status with Relationships
I have been single for about 7 months and I am feeling great after getting out of a not so good relationship. There is a girl (we can call her M) that I have been friends with for years and I like her but I don't want to get into a relationship. I want to build a connection with her but I don't want to put any pressures on her or visa versa. This girl goes to university 3 hours away and I want her to feel free to date other people and generally do whatever she wants. When we do see each other I want to express how I feel about her but I don't want her to be tied down.
I let M know that I like her and we decided that not putting a label on us is the best place for us to start. We both like each other and I think we want to see where it goes before attaching any labels. But we haven't really talked about being poly. It is on my facebook page but we never talked about it. And I feel that I owe it to her to talk about it even though we are still just friends. I am of course scared to do so because I feel all warm and bubbly for the first time in many months I don't want to scare her away. It is worth mentioning that even though we are officially just friends we have kissed and have expressed some intimate thoughts and emotions.
To make things more confusing there is another girl in this story (we can call her K) that wants to be physical with me. I don't want to be anything with K but I wouldn't mind some playful sex. Despite the fact that M & I aren't a couple I still want to tell her. I feel that it is the right thing to do.
I know polyamory is all about being open and honest but when is the best time to tell M? How do I bring this up? Would it be easier to not talk about K (and obviously not have sex with her) until after M & I have talked about poly and sorted through it?
My last thought bugs me the most. How do I know if I'm poly? I would like to think that I am. I know I'm not very jealous and I know that I want my friends to be happy - sometimes even at my expense. I feel that these qualities tend to be found in poly people. But it is hard to know until I have been in a poly relationship. A corollary is that if I am not poly and I find out it doesn't work what if I just threw away a perfectly good relationship with a great girl?