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Old 09-28-2009, 11:09 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 652

Oh, man.

Tajel . . . BrotherMan . . . I am so sorry for what you're going through. I really am. That's the main thing I want to say. My heart goes out to you. Yowza!

Next, I need to urge you to immediately get tested for STD's if you haven't already been. Safety first.

You are 100% justified in feeling that your trust has been violated. The rules you and your wife had established were so simple, and clear, and easy to keep. Nevertheless they were violated. To make matters worse, your feelings of hurt and betrayal were discounted, while the new relationship was thrown in your face. Honestly, if that were me, I would already be out the door and in the lawyer's office. But that's me, and I admire your determination to work through this horrible situation with your wife. You deserve better.

Originally Posted by Tajel View Post
was I wrong to try and ignore her new relationship while feeling shit upon?
Sadly, yes, you were. I agree wholeheartedly with Vandalin on this point; ignoring something never made it go away.

Originally Posted by Tajel View Post
should a couple truly change to poly whilst in the midst of an almost relationship ending affair?
IMO, no. Deal with the disloyalty issue first. Then, assuming the marriage survives, discuss making the transition to poly, moving only as fast as all partners agree to.

Originally Posted by Tajel View Post
and jeez I don't know what to do. I am just trying to figure out if I can be there with her if my trust hasn't been rebuilt.
I truly admire that you are even willing to entertain the idea and continue to trying to be open to poly. I would already be a fading memory.
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