Finally admitted to myself
I didn't know what it was called! I didn't know what polyamory was. I am having a serious breakthrough and one I am glad to have at 26 and not 46. I have been polyamorous as long as I have had mature relationships with other people (and even immature ones).
It started in high school when I became involved with a boy and a girl at the same time, and thought nothing of it. I did not understand why they were both heartbroken. I figured that I adored them both, we were all teens, why couldn't everyone just be happy? (Looking back, I feel horrible and stupid for being so insensitive to their feelings.)
Later, in college, I found myself in a defacto poly relationship with my primary boyfriend, an ex boyfriend and my gay male neighbor. I was the center of this funny circle, but the men all got along fairly well - some times better than others. While there were a few fights, the most major being the ex boyfriend and the neighbor wanting me to end my relationship with my primary boyfriend, the structure fell apart when I moved 500 miles away, the neighbor moved to N.C., and the primary BF moved to London.
Once I was well shot of that set up, I soon found myself craving something similar. Or, to put it another way, feeling like something was very wrong with my relationship to my now husband, J. I felt very sad and isolated, stunted and trapped and repressed. I had very strong lingering feelings for a friend and would indulge small moments of intimacy then punish myself for doing so. This resulted in all sorts of self-destructive behaviors, from panic attacks to agoraphobia. I was more or less crippled with anxiety for the entire Summer of 2006.
Now, in 2011, after marrying J and having an amazing son, I am finally coming to terms with my nature. J has been surprisingly supportive. I am learning that it is not uncommon for some partners to sort of take a passenger seat position to the other partner's polyamorous desires. J has told me he always knew it was a part of my personality and that we can work through things together. He even said tonight my ability to engage with others on deep, intimate levels is part of what made him fall in love with me. When I met him, he was living with a fairly shy gay man (just roommates/friends) with whom he was very close. After a few months, I had grown very close with him too - to the point where we went out dancing one night and ended up cuddled on a strangers couch more or less making out. Contrary to what many people would think, we all enjoyed a very sweet closeness. Even though the roommate has moved away, we still get together from time to time and it is wonderful. He is even the godfather of our son!
In terms of our partnership now, we are each other's primary completely. Like I wrote before, I had a really horrible spiral of shame and desire for a friend of mine. That is what got me to this forum. I have been searching for an explanation. Now that I have been reading about polyamory I feel so relieved. My story is so much like others. I feel not so alone, not crazy. I want to shout it from the roof tops (but, of course, that is the last thing I want my neighbors knowing about me.) I approached my husband with the idea that I would have an open secondary relationship with this friend, and I approached my friend as well. Both men seem to be fairly positive about the idea for different reasons.
I don't know what the future holds but I want to be done lying and hurting and being wilifully ignorant and ashamed of my personalty. I want to just be honest with everyone and happy with myself, and balanced for our son.