okay I do have some stuff to say....
I agree with HappiestManalive first of all. You do indeed have a big heart to be even considering all this! Good for you for doing the work necessary to keep your heart safe and to keep learning about yourself and your relationship.
What is husband doing to achieve this I wonder?
I am sorry but your husband bugs, I have to admit. The whole older man with a younger woman thing is what it is. She is 20 years younger and hot?! I would really struggle with that. If she were the same age or older and ugly by conventional standards would he be so interested? Also, would he want to kiss her (which equals wanting to have sex with her.... hello?! There is not much difference... any of us who have kissed passionately know that!)?
I'm sorry my friend, I think you are being fed a line that he thinks you want to hear. I would be very surprised if this girl weren't looking for a Daddy figure and your husband wasn't getting off on a sweet young thing thinking he is interesting enough to be friends with him. Mid life crisis perhaps? That can come at any age really.... and I suspect if she is 20 years younger that he is at least in his late 30's?
Jealousy is a means to figuring out what fear is going on for you? Your gut is telling you something just isn't right and you need to look at that specifically. It could be an artificial fear, but I suspect not under these kinds of circumstances. You and your monogamous heart feel threatened and rightly so.
If I were in your situation, provided that things are as I am thinking, I would be telling him what I REALLY think is going on. If he admits to it then he'll need to know that he has to get his priorities straight. Perhaps seek some help in doing so. He has a responsibility to be honest and open, not communicate what he THINKS you want to hear, otherwise you will be there for ever trying to figure it out while his lust and desire for this girl get stronger and stronger. If he really wants to be poly then he has to get a grip on how to communicate this way (radical honesty) to you as do you to him.
Yes, big thumbs up on meeting with the girl AFTER he has fessed up to what is REALLY going on for him.... provided he still wants to pursue her that is.... if I am right, he might feel the fool and back away. That is okay too, it takes a big man to admit his desire for girls that think he's cool when he feels like an old man.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM