Married, in love with her best friend, at a loss ...
Ok, here we go. English isn't my primary language so I have to excuse myself for making mistakes. I am gratefull to all the people on this forum, when I stumble over this place I was really relieved that the feelings and situation I am experiencing right now aren't some weird stuff happening to me alone.
First of all, I'm absolutely new to this whole idea, never knew something like polyamory existed and would NEVER have thought I could feel the way I do. But it somehow happened. Some details on my story.
I'm married, we are a couple for almost 11 years now and I honestly and deeply love him. He was and will be always in my life, I'm sure about this. Of course there have been some ups and downs but it would be strange to expect something different. The downs were pretty tough but they glued us together even more. He will be the father for my children and the one I grow old with. This would have been my answer without a second thought, if you would have asked me 2 weeks ago. I still want this future to happen, but things became difficult.
I have got a close friend, he has been with me for 6 years. We stayed best friends for 2 years without problems, but then things changed. I started to have really confusing dreams about him and me and my bf (at that time), feelings developed which I forcefully shut down. As I later got to know, it was the same for him as well. Since we became friends we have always been in very close contact with each other. We talk for hours every day and are able to talk about everything that is on our minds.
When we first saw each other (I met him on the internet and we kept talking over skype), it was a real disaster … emotionally. It has been the third year of our friendship and he couldn't keep his feelings from showing. When we (he, my husband, some other friends and I met for New year's eve) were back home, he confessed, I rejected him furiously, how he could think of something like this despite me having a boyfriend etc … But deep down I wasn't really mad at him, but at myself, because I knew I felt the same. I needed almost half a year to get the thought of really loving two men into my head. I had always thought, that one love has to decline for a new one to develop. But I still loved my husband, it never changed one bit, despite having this feelings for my best friend.
During the next 3 years this incident and the mutual feelings kept hidden under the surface, we never talked about it again and followed our daily routine as before. The distance helped us quite a bit, I really don't want to guess what would have happened if we would have regularly seen each other from day one. We broached this topic casually and frequently as time went by, but always beat around the bush. And somehow we became able to cope with it. But our boundaries expanded significantly as well and finally we went back to square one two weeks ago. And it was more intense and nerve wrecking than ever. I wasn't able to lie again and now we put our cards on the table.
I did some thinking already, but I am so confused about how to handle this stuff. I don't want to lose my husband. Never. I don't want to lose my best friend as well. And I don't want the ones I love to suffer and don't want to suffer myself. But I really don't know how to achieve it.
Another difficulty is right around the corner, because there could be the chance to move in together in September this year. We decided to try to start a company half a year ago and if everything goes well in August, we will be seeing each other every day. At this point I'm horrified to let this happen.
I don't know why, but one of the first thoughts I got after the confusion left me, was the urge to get those two under one roof, try to include him into our two person circle and life happily ever after. But I know how I would feel, if I had to share the person I love with another. I would feel really betrayed if I put myself in my husbands place. He knows how important my friend is for me and how much he means to me. He even suggested a 3some, but I think it was some kind of joke, I don't think he would really let this happen. My friend is suffering greatly, he feels terrible because he is butting into a marriage, as he sees it, and hate putting me under pressure and causing this great confusion for me. But he is no longer able to go against his feelings and as helpless as me about this.
When it comes to me, I can only think of solving this by losing none of them. I want to keep them both, want to have them, the two special persons in my life, right next to me. I told my friend how I think and he really began to think about how we could make this happen. He is still unsure if he would be able to share me, or if his feelings would be too strong for this. Therefore he suggested a meeting to make sure of it. His birthday is around the corner and we had already decided to meet again before this mess happened. Now it kind of seems like a chance to confirm if at least we would be able to wangle this special kind of relationship. He thinks it would be best to know about this, before I tell my husband. Even better would be not to mention anything at all, keep our best friend level until we actually moved in together and see what could or couldn't happen then. I would love to have this work out, but I am so damn insecure about the reaction of my husband.
Now, after this wall of text (I'm really sorry that it took me so long to come to the actual point, but it was really great to get all of this off my mind finally) I would like to ask you for your opinion and maybe help me with some suggestions and advice. Because I feel like betraying my husband by loving someone besides him. And I don't know if the idea to wait and see what happens could work out. And I don't know if I could ask of them to suffer this kind of relationship for me. I read some of the mono experiences on this forum and I was shocked and could understand how they felt. I would as well. But the one thing that is quite clear to me now is that I just can't go against my feelings in this case. My monogamy-is-the-only-way-till-death-do-part-us world view is shaken to the core and I don't know how to handle it.
Thanks for reading and thanks for some ideas on this in advance.