I saw Sunday for the first time in three weeks yesterday. I was disappointed that he didn't seem to miss me at all. He didn't speak to me at all for the two weeks he was in England, and he barely spoke to me yesterday. Sigh. Asha had assured me that the little bit of focus he gives me shows that he loves me. I know he's out of Ritalin...I know he's jet-lagged...I know he's having trouble with his primary relationship...I feel like putting more pressure on him would be detrimental...I feel like we have no relationship at all...I feel like not saying anything is wrong...I feel like saying something is wrong...I have no idea what to do. <clicks ignore again>
Last weekend, while Sunday was gone, we had our divorcing friend over to Sunday and Asha's house. Long story short, he started getting very friendly with Asha--VERY FRIENDLY, as in licking her arm and sticking his tongue down her throat--and I threw a fit. I told him I wasn't okay with his behavior and that she was *my girlfriend*. Then I spent the rest of the evening apologizing for my behavior. I hate being insecure. It makes me miserable. I know that Asha's a big girl. I know that she could have put a stop to that behavior if she wanted to. I was jealous and it was wrong. <I wish that I could do those things. /end whining> Anyway, the divorcing friend decided that I was just jealous that he wasn't paying attention to me and made an attempt to...show me some attention. I protected myself--I was pretty angry--but my self-esteem took a ding because I know for a fact that he doesn't find me attractive and he was just doing it to shut me up. I've been sad all week. (it was just a contributing factor, along with other things.) We (Easy, Asha, and I) also discussed ending our relationship so that Asha could be a witness for our Divorcing Friend in court if it came to that. That most likely contributed to my jealousy over Divorcing Friend's actions. Not an excuse, but a possible explanation.
I decided that it would be better not to spend the night at Sunday and Asha's house last night, with today being Easter. I wanted my kids to have their Easter morning at home, but mostly I felt like we can't possible match the lavish baskets that Sunday and Asha have for their kids, and I didn't want my kids to feel...well, poor. We're not, but Sunday and Asha have A LOT more discretionary income than we do--like, about five to ten times more discretionary income. I want my kids to grow up knowing that objects don't equal success...but I do feel like a failure sometimes when I compare how much their kids get in presents versus how much our kids get in presents.
So we went up yesterday evening to help prepare the feast that Asha will be serving today, and to dye Easter eggs. It was nice, working as a family and getting the LOADS of work done. I can't believe she goes to so much effort, but I'm thinking it's tied up in her self-esteem to be able to provide fancy home-cooked meals. Plus, Easy likes to cook when he's not feeling pressured to get it done quickly, and when he can experiment. (For example, Asha is serving lavender-infused cream. I've never even heard of such a thing, and I have to wonder, why? Who cares if the cream is lavender-infused? You can't taste the difference. But it makes them ridiculously happy.)
Afterward, I helped the kids dye eggs while the others finished up prep-work and cleaned up. I thought, gee, if there had only been one set of parents here, one would have been doing all of the work while one helped the kids. It seemed like an overwhelming task. There would have been a mountain of dishes (I know I washed the same set of knives and cutting boards three times) and I can't even imagine one person trying to juggle making a pie at the same time as making a trifle at the same time as making bread at the same time as cutting the vegetables. Four sets of hands definitely made the work go faster. I liked being a part of that.
So today we go up for Easter dinner. Appetizers are supposed to hit the counter at 2pm, so I figured we'd better head up there to help do more prep work.