in search of truth
I found this forum because I need help. this past august I went away from home for three weeks to obtain some massage therapy training. everything was fine til I got home. let me give you the specifics.
my wife and I Were in an open relationship. she was actually doing most of the outside dating. we had three simple rules, use a condom, no anal and no one in our bed if we were not both present. before I left she made some comments about a friend of ours and I said that I had already noticed that they were getting close. long story short I went away and she told me that they had been together and also that she was in love with him. I made sure she knew I was okay with that and was actually happy for her. on my return I found out that they had slept together three times without condoms. My heart broke into a million pieces.
upon venting my spleen I was confronted with her wanting to protect her relationship with our friend. I had made no ultimatums and was truly trying get back into a safe place. this turn in the conversation left me flabbergasted. it made me so angry that my back began to hurt and I was laid up in bed for 4 days, not once did she apologize for her actions, but she did occasionally tell me about her love for this other gent and how she couldn't let go of him. she also told me about how she wanted have a polyamorous relationship.
she wouldn't make love to me for the next 5 weeks. but spent numerous overnights with the the guy I had renamed "that fucker". because things got strange he rejected her and this is what brings me to the forums. if my wife and I are going to survive this experience and grow i'm gonna need the help of some seasoned polys, because I came home to a different relationship than what I had left there. I can take somethings in stride but I have few questions to ask.
was I wrong to try and ignore her new relationship while feeling shit upon? should a couple truly change to poly whilst in the midst of an almost relationship ending affair? and jeez I don't know what to do. I am just trying to figure out if I can be there with her if my trust hasn't been rebuilt.
sorry if I sound a little sappy but I do love her and she is normally a good woman. it's just that my trust has been shattered and starting again without the familiarity of the old coping mechanisms in our relationship has been trying. but she says this is how she wants to be and doesn't want to live in the old relationshipas that would be living a lie.