It is tense in our relationship now - I tend to want to process stuff a lot because when there is a problem I want to fix it. She needs more space from this stuff than I do - and it is hard to find a balance of communication that works well for both of us where I am not bogging the relationship down but also where I feel like we're addressing the issues.
While I have all those questions about trust in our relationship, I have made the decision to try to not spiral in my head about all the possible "what ifs" and wondering if there is more she has not told me, and I am CHOOSING TO WORK ON TRUST AGAIN. We are going to couples therapy next week, she has agreed to go to therapy and I am already in therapy. I have asked that sex for her with others be off the table for now, and that sex with her friend be off the table because there is now deceit associated with it. She as agreed to both, without much reservation. I have also asked that she at least temporarily not communicate with the friend - this one was harder for her to agree to.
Wow, so I know its a lot, but I felt the need to explain the whole story. I am sure there is more, but thats enough for now I suppose. Here is what I could use help on:
1) Has anyone experienced being lied to? What was your attitude about it? How did you cope with it in the relationship? Was there any hope in re-establishing trust? or, to what extent did it impact trust in the relationship? If you were able to regain trust, how did you go about doing that? What did you have to do and what did your partner have to do?
2) Anyone else new to non-monogamy or remember what it was like to go through something like this - experiencing your partner sleep with someone for the first time? I am especially interested in the perspective of people who were monogamous at first and had real jealousy/insecurities at the outset of starting any form of non-monogamy and how you got to a better place with it in your relationship?
3) Or are there also people who were not able to work through it and went back to monogamy ... how did you determine the need to do that? OR did you figure out some other kind of in-between solution?
4) Anything else that anyone can relate to and your insights on it.
Ok, I know its a lot but I really appreciate any feedback.