Originally Posted by WalksThroughFire35
This last piece here is something that I am experiencing. My partner and I sometimes have very different needs and it has been a point of conflict lately where I wanted to know certain information about what she was doing in bed with another partner and had certain needs around communication immediately before and after she had sex with someone. She does not have these same needs ... she does not really care to know what I do with someone and does not want to me to talk on the phone with her about it, and instead would rather wait until we are in person to talk about it. Its hard because I automatically expect her to understand and have the same needs as me ... which when I think about it does not make sense at all. I have abandonment issues where, for me, I feel the need to know what is going on at all times so it doesn't feel like she is leaving me. But thats my personal trigger point ... I suppose we all have our own and they will be different for our partners. That is probably something to talk about. If it is important to you for them to not text at certain times and for you to talk with her on some level, then that is okay. And if you are primary, I would hope that those needs are respected on some level and can be negotiated. But perhaps for you it is important to figure out what is at the bottom of those needs so that he can better understand you and show compassion and respect for your needs/boundaries.
When you find another partner, I am sure he will have his own version of this stuff ... it hasn't happened yet, so he probably won't know until it does. And it may be interesting to see how he would feel if your partner was a man versus a woman. If his partner were a man, I wonder if the feelings would change for you. Just questions.
I think you're right about the abandonment issues...I've never known my father, been cast aside by my family and I was married in my previous relationship, and felt he abandoned me by cheating on me over 6 times when I told him that I was bisexual and that there was no need to cheat if he shared with me. I didn't know anything about poly at that time when I was in my earlier 20's and honestly at 30, I'm just now really learning the dynamics having been thrown into this so suddenly, though it really has been a while in the making.
I don't want a friendship with her, I just want a mutual understanding and her to know that this is so new to me, as it seems she has experience in dating poly men, where as this is all new to me. I hope maybe if I show him your post, he will come around and be more understanding of it. I think he's just worried I'm going to scare her off.
Speaking of finding a new partner, I've suddenly got the potential for 2 dates. One woman for coffee and another is a guy I met a week or so ago.
I had not considered another man, yet one has come out of the woodwork that I kind of like. I told him about my relationship and what is going on and he told me he really likes me and would love to take me out and get to know me. I met him when I was sitting on my patio and he was on the boat dock below. He called up to me and asked me if I was into boats and if I wanted to go for a ride with him and his friends. I went down to talk to him, hoping to make a new platonic friend as we just moved here and I get along with men really well in a friendship dynamic, but I declined the boat ride. We exchanged numbers and he's been asking if my bf and I wanted to hang out for a week now, but I've been blowing him off. He texted me again today and thats when I told him what was going on and that I've just been mentally preoccupied. Thats when he offered to take me out anytime that worked for me between now and Thursday to just talk and have a good time.
In previous discussions, my bf seems to not be too comfortable with the idea of me seeing another man, would rather it be a woman, but he says if I want to, that's alright. I want to tell him tomorrow about this guy, but I think that he may think it's retalitory given the timing of his scheduled date, but really it's just coincidental.
Is it odd for me to go out with him tomorrow when my bf is meeting his potential secondary? Or should I choose another night?