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Old 04-24-2011, 11:53 AM
WalksThroughFire35 WalksThroughFire35 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 16
Default different needs

This last piece here is something that I am experiencing. My partner and I sometimes have very different needs and it has been a point of conflict lately where I wanted to know certain information about what she was doing in bed with another partner and had certain needs around communication immediately before and after she had sex with someone. She does not have these same needs ... she does not really care to know what I do with someone and does not want to me to talk on the phone with her about it, and instead would rather wait until we are in person to talk about it. Its hard because I automatically expect her to understand and have the same needs as me ... which when I think about it does not make sense at all. I have abandonment issues where, for me, I feel the need to know what is going on at all times so it doesn't feel like she is leaving me. But thats my personal trigger point ... I suppose we all have our own and they will be different for our partners. That is probably something to talk about. If it is important to you for them to not text at certain times and for you to talk with her on some level, then that is okay. And if you are primary, I would hope that those needs are respected on some level and can be negotiated. But perhaps for you it is important to figure out what is at the bottom of those needs so that he can better understand you and show compassion and respect for your needs/boundaries.

When you find another partner, I am sure he will have his own version of this stuff ... it hasn't happened yet, so he probably won't know until it does. And it may be interesting to see how he would feel if your partner was a man versus a woman. If his partner were a man, I wonder if the feelings would change for you. Just questions.
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