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Old 04-24-2011, 07:25 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 146
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
By uppity, I meant indignant. Of course, it's understandable that you don't want it to be so difficult and that her response feels like blackmail, but I was only trying to point out that it's a bit over the top to get upset with her reaction if you think about what it feels like to be in her shoes. Digging your heels in right now is not a good idea, it's not even been a whole day for her to absorb what you told her. Some couples who have posted their stories in the Blogs section took years of talking and negotiating before opening up their marriages.
Yes, you are right. Thank you.

*deep breath*

*deep breath*

*deep breath*

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Oh, I was going to ask you how it went with the therapist, because you had mentioned you were going in your other thread.
I think it went well. The therapist granted me an "attaboy" for not having actually physically cheated, but did say that the secret attractions I had been keeping were, in their own way, an affair, and I agreed. The therapist said I needed to be honest, and step up to help heal the hurt that I was going to cause, and I agreed.

So, today (Saturday), I did. I had expected all sorts of things, but a quiet conversation, ending with a quiet ultimatum (even if it was coming from an emotional place of its own), was not one of them. Most (all?) of the worst wailing was my own.

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I think it's a good sign that she's agreed to go with you next time. But give her the space to feel what she's feeling and express what she needs to express. Just because she's saying she will do that does not mean it will actually happen, but that she's in extreme turmoil over this. She is hurting.
Yes. I think it would be good for her to have her own session, before we started going as a couple.


Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Well, welcome to the roller coaster. Hop on and enjoy the ride, you will be here for the long haul if it all goes as it usually does

Take a breath and realize that this is a beginning. I agree with NYCindie, she had her world rocked today and sometimes people respond with "Oh ya, well let me rock your world too sunshine!" Don't take it to heart, I would be very surprised if she ended your seemingly long marriage, if in fact you kid is yours, from one conversation....
Oh, he's mine. I am dead certain of it, no question. I don't want to provide too many details here, or else my identity will be blown, but I can talk about it with you privately if you wish.

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I think the advice here is pretty accurate, you should take it and come here for comfort, or find a group there... take baby steps and be persistent that this isn't going to change for you.

Do you get to have a girlfriend tomorrow? No. I hope you don't have anyone lined up or you will be shit out of luck.
I don't have anyone lined up. I'm crushing pretty hard on someone, but I have not told her or begun anything in any way. I was adamant with myself that things had to happen in the proper order--anything less would be dishonest and even more hurtful than it already has been.

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Do people start out this way and end up being able to get their needs met? Yes. Quite often it takes time and life changing work, but it is possible. You have made a really good start it sounds like; honesty, respect, openness, no cheating... consideration and compassion could use some work, but meh, its the first day... you'll get there...
There's a bit of difference from the personal hurt I've expressed here and what I actually said to my wife. Our conversation was actually quiet, and I was extremely apologetic. Toward the end of it was an "Oh God, what I have I done?" moment, but I can't close the door now.

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Some suggested reading would be under the tag search of "foundations" and "lesson" go to the tool bar and click search and it will direct you from there.
I will do that. It seems like all I've been reading for the longest time has been about polyamory, and I could SO use a break from it, but I don't think that's coming any time soon.

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Good luck with tomorrow. Take a day at a time and remember to breath through the hard stuff.
Ah, tomorrow. I have to tell my son something lest he try to fill in the blanks for himself and think something really terrible. I don't know what to tell him right now, because I don't even really know myself where this is going to go. I cannot honestly reassure him that it's alright, because I don't know that to be true myself.

There is precious damned little out there that shows up on a google search (or on a forum search) for how to deal with such things. I'm hoping that, in this thread, we can collect something useful while I flail about in desperation.

Thank you all so much. I don't know if I could have gotten through today without you.
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