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Old 04-24-2011, 03:44 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I have a feeling you are seeing more to it than there really is. She's trying to make it work with a seemingly rocky relationship, but it must be worth it to her. I don't get the sense that there's anything there beyond a friendship between you and her. If you've already talked about being bi and she didn't take that as an opportunity to say she's interested, I would let it go. [...] I mean, if she were interested in you, why couldn't she also be with him? You have someone else.

But that's a different matter. My gut is telling you to leave it alone.
My favourite game: taking the other side. But first, I think you need to think about this: How much of this is that you and your boyfriend want a 3rd... and she's a possible candidate? (Like looking for someone to fill a vacancy?)

Back to the game. Polyamory is a new concept for many people. So I donīt really agree with nycindie's implied conclusion: "If you've already talked about being bi and she didn't take that as an opportunity to say she's interested"... [then she's probably not interested].

a) You say that she's supportive about your looking for a third. Some people who have come out (as poly) to their friends have LOST their friends over it.
b) How many films have you seen where A loves B and B loves A but both are too shy / certain that their feelings won't be returned / afraid of being hurt to admit it until they've "wasted" most of the time of the film, then fall into each other's arms? Sometimes that happens in real life.
c) You and your bf are considering poly. Would you consider your female friend being poly (having a bf as well as her relationship with you 2)? Or would you insist on a closed triad? If you answer yes to the 1st, what's to stop her "joining" you without leaving him?
d) Maybe she got back with her boyfriend because she needs love in her life and hasn't found the right person... so she's "making do".

Maybe you should consider the tactic that goes with the saying "many a true word is spoken in jest". Next time you talk to her about looking for a 3rd, and she makes supportive noises (or asks interested questions), you could say: "Hey! You wouldn't be interested in the position, would you?" (little laugh?)

She might respond positively right away. Or it might set her to thinking. Or she can assume/pretend that it was just a joke. And nobody gets hurt.

If she thinks that it was just a joke, but - thinking about it - she starts to get interested, she might come back at you in a few weeks with another joke. And the ball's back in your court...
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