New to this..Feeling a lot of jealousy and confusion over "her"
Hi all, I'm new here and hope that I can get some great advice and support through this. I apologize in advance for the long read and appreciate any advice.
My boyfriend of 6 years and I have talked for years about exploring a polyamorous relationship. At first we were going to look for a polygamous relationship or triad since I am bisexual, but we didn't have much luck with that at all besides a threesome we had once.
A few months back, we decided that he would find a partner on the side that would be non serious and that I could find a woman of my own if I wanted. I can't see myself being with another man, so I opted for a female parter. I've had bare luck with that too. At this point, I've just dropped the idea of having a partner of my own. I feel like I'd just be doing that to pacify myself when he's not around and that's not fair to the person I'd be involved with.
I placed an ad a month ago on Craigslist to find him someone who was comfortable with him having a girlfriend already, and lo and behold, earlier this week I got a reply. I emailed her a few times back and forth under the premise of being him and once I felt she could be a good match, I told him and forwarded the info so he could continue the conversation. I felt a some pangs of jealousy, but knew it would happen.
Well, every day and night since then, he's been texting her NON STOP. It's driving me absolutely insane and though I've been trying to keep the jealousy under wraps, when we are together and he's on a text fest from 7-10 at night, it's making me bitter, evil and I've gotten so mad that we've argued the past 2 nights in a row. Part of it is also that he took me out Thursday for my birthday and while he didn't text during dinner as he told her to not bother him since we were going to dinner, after we got back to the house and had some birthday "fun" in the shower, he goes right to texting her!!!!! I had asked him to not do it on Friday night, yesterday because that was my birthday and even though we were just hanging out at home, that was our time. So, what does he do? He's texting her most of the night. I flipped my lid and told him how disrespectful I thought it was. He told me that I'm just going to expect him to not talk to her at all at night.
His point is, I'm only going to see her once a week..what am I supposed to do? Not talk to her at night when that's her free time? I told him, just not every night. I don't mind a couple times a week, and I'm sorry that it's the most convenient time for her, but since him and I work different schedules with different days off, the night time is our time to hang out and it's the most inconvenient time for me.
I may be being selfish, but I think since I'm the one making the biggest adjustment in this, that the least he could do is to tell her that is our time and for her to be respectful of that. I wouldn't text her during their time together as I respect them and that time alone. I just feel it's completely disrespectful and that she's intruding into our time together, even if it's just text. I'm feeling too much of a presence already in that regard and I don't like it at all.
I'm feeling a lot of unsure feelings. I worry about the NRE part of this and that I'm going to feel left out, hurt and inadequate. If this is just friendship and sex, what's the big deal? I think I may be worried that he might fall or her or him for her though I've been reassured 101 times by him that he's not going to do that or throw away what we have and that their connection cannot come close to ours, yet I worry it will. How much reassurance do I need??? He's feeling like a broken record.
I'm scared because it's so new to both of us. Yes we've had a threesome with another woman before, but I was involved. Now this is something I have NO control over aside from groundrules I laid out (he thinks I went a tad overboard on the boundaries and says he wouldn't ask half of what I am) and not "knowing" everything is bothering me. I feel left out. How am I going to deal with this once he does start seeing her weekly?
I don't know how to be accomodating of her..I never had to be accomodating of any other woman before in our relationship, yet he wants this and I want to keep him too so I need to learn really quick. I selfishly feel that I should always be the priority, and while I know that I am and he says I am, I think I may be making things difficult and don't want to, I just don't know how to handle what I'm feeling. It's so different than anything I've felt before.
When I told him why I didn't like the texting, and that it's my biggest trigger of jealousy because I feel she's being intrusive and too "present" during our time, he told me he would try to not talk to her so much at night and would tell her why so she can be respectful of how I am feeling. I am fine with that, however when I told him I wanted to meet her after they initially meet for dinner and definitely before anything else happens, well...he was NOT cool with that. Demanding to know why I needed to? What questions could I possibly have for her that he hasn't answered? He says that he's answered everything I've asked and thinks that I'm just going to interrogate her or give her dirty glaring looks. I feel very uncomfortable with him having a problem having us meet, or maybe it's her that has the problem and he won't tell me. Either way, it makes me uneasy and I think that meeting her is what I need to be comfortable..He disagrees.
As of now, I've lost the urge to meet her and I let him know I'd rather not hear about her and don't want to talk about her unless I have a question, but I know I have a ton of questions now and I don't want to overkill him on this. He says she doesn't want anything serious as she doesn't have the time with work and her 3 young kids, which is perfect for him, because he doesn't either with already having a serious girlfriend/borderline wife. I trust him, but I don't trust her potential feelings or motives because I don't know her. This not knowing her is getting to me, I know it. Why do I desire to know her so bad? Is it to assert my place? I don't want to come off as a bitch and I want them to have fun, but I want her to know that's all it is and all it can be. He says they've already talked about that and that's all she wants. No love or anything. Though, I still worry about that.
How do I deal with these feelings, so fresh and so painful? I know I will get over them, but how and when? He's meeting her tomorrow for drinks at night after her kids are in bed. He says it's just to talk, but I worry they're gonna go right to bed which he said isn't going to happen. I wonder about what they will do, how she will like him and how he's going to like her?
I'm the one who wanted this years ago and brought it up. It was a fantasy of mine for him to be with someone else like this, but now that it's happening I've got cold feet. I still want this, but I want to know how to deal with everything I'm feeling. I've got no poly friends or women that I know in the same boat as me, and I certainly don't know any men that I can talk to about what he's feeling. I think I need a lot of help. My closest friends I have talked to think I am crazy for even entertaining the idea and tell me this won't end well. I know it can work, I just need the guidance to help me make this work.
Thanks for listening to me babble all over the place.
Last edited by gamerprincess; 04-23-2011 at 09:59 PM.