I can imagine how heartbreaking that must be.
I just wanted to tell you-in case it might help a little.
I didn't want ANYONE with me either.
Maca was with me for all of them-because in spite of all of our other, day to day tribulations, the man just understands exactly what I need when I'm hurting. He can do labor and delivery like a pro.
IF (and it AIN'T happening) I ever had another, I'd be totally ok with it being only him-no midwife, no doctor, nobody but him.
Due to that, in spite of planning to have GG there when the little girl was born-his only child, I couldn't manage it when it came down to the wire and he sat in the next room with my sister waiting until the baby was born.
It wasn't personal against him (or my sister). I just get distracted very easily and when I'm hurting that bad, distraction is NOT a good thing AT ALL. I need to focus on breathing and helping the baby out. It's really important to me to feel TOTALLY safe and secure. Extra bodies-even those of people I trust with my life, are extra and that creates a sense of tension due to my inability to focus, the tension creates a sense of insecurity and unsafeness. Not because THEY are unsafe for me, because I am unsafe for me when there's more than one person there.
On a side note-you said she's decided she doesn't want you there for the birth. Does that mean she doesn't want you in the room or in the building? I ask, because like I said GG and my sister were in the waiting room. So once baby wasw born, they were able to see the baby, hold her, cuddle and bond while I took a shower, got cleaned up and dressed etc...
"Love As Thou Wilt"