I talked to her. I told her what I felt, that I wanted to tell him everything, I told her my fears and I told her I feel a lot of pressure. I also told her I didnīt feel I could go on like this very long.
She told me she doesnīt want to change anhything. She doesnīt want to tell him, and she says she canīt do anything more. She says she understands what I feel, but she just canīt change anything. She says itīs not in her hands.
She says she doesnīt want to lose me, and she loves me very much, but she canīt do anything to change this situation.
Well, at least Iīve got clarity now. I now what I can and canīt expect.
Several things happened that made me realize my place in this relationship. We were in bed, just cuddling. Her phone rang...it was her husband. She wanted to take the call, but was afraid my dogs would bark (I have a lot of dogs). So, she asked me to go to the bathroom and lock myself there with my dogs, to make sure they didnīt bark. I felt so stupid! Locked in the bathroom, nude, trying to make the dogs not bark, instead of being able to just be in bed with my girlfriend. I DONĻT want to be in that position ever again, and I donīt think this relationship will ever give me something different.
So, I have been thinking a lot, and I feel a lot calmer. yesterday was a sad and difficult day, because I realized I donīt want to be in this place anymore.
Iīm ready to let them go. I really love them, and I would love to be with them, but I canīt do everything alone. I feel as if everything was up to me. Iīm the one that has got to adapt to every situation, make all the changes, talk about how I feel, etc. I canīt do it. If they arenīt willing to change things to include me, I canīt do anything about that.
So, Iīm just talking things slowly. Iīm doing what I need to do to feel well. Iīm not going to continue to do heroic things to maintain something that is about to collapse.
I think maybe if I let things go, I will be able to recover at least part of the relationship. At least, I wonīt feel so much pressure, and Iīm sure I will be recovering MYSELF.
I donīt feel itīs fair to keep asking myself to make an extra effort, to swallow things, to not feel guilty or insecure or sad, when they arenīt really doing anything to build this relationship.
I think the relationship will just extinguish itself. But, I might be suprised, and they might just realize Iīm not willing to take this place again. Letīs see...
Iīm on my way now to see both of them. Iīm a teacher and we are going to have the first class since she discovered what had happened between him and me. Iīm scared and so tired. i hope the class goes well.
I also hope I have the lucidity to remember all that I have said here.