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Old 09-27-2009, 11:26 PM
Chase Chase is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Thanks for the replies.

English is not my main language, and I've had quite a hard time expressing what I felt. I'm pretty good in technical english, but I don't have many opportunities to express feelings and such. Apparently, I have been misunderstood, but I'll take the blame and try and detail more.

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Actually, you don't *make* anyone do anything.
Indeed, the verb "make" was poorly chosen. What I meant was rather "hope that X might happen".

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Some of the things you write deeply concern me that you are not coming from a place of respect and love, but rather selfishness and deception.
This is true. And it wasn't from my doing. And it sucked. And it hurt a lot. And I'm not going back there. Ever, ever, ever. I'm done with lies and hiding the truth.

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Why would you approach the beginning of a potential relationship as a series of obstacles to be conquered?
How can I explain ... I don't see this relationship as a series of obstacles. I see this relationship as love, trust, and ... well, you all know this warm and fuzzy feeling we all have for someone we love. The thing is, I see obstacles against all this love happening, and I fear them being too hard for me. So I try to think of a way that could make these obstacles look less intimidating. It's not about conquering anything. I'd be more than glad if the obstacles weren't there. There's no plan that I want her to follow. It's hard to express. Imagine you're looking at this huge wild montain, and you would like to get to the other side. And you look at this montain and you have no map. You don't see any roads, only small, barely visible footpaths. So you start thinking "This one looks like it might turn the wrong way further. Maybe this other one is better".
Once you've decided on one, the rest just follows. But if you picked the wrong things start getting bad.

I'm a situation where it looks like all the paths I can see look bad, and I can't figure out one that might be the right one.

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The fact that you are even considering the option of winning this girl's confidence to the point of seduction and then giving her an ultimatum to "accept polyamory or I'm out" shows that you do not care at all about hurting her.
Of course I care about her. And this is exactly why I am not at all satisfied with this idea, which in turns is why I'm posting here. Any kind of thinking I do about the issue seems to lead to the dead end of somebody being hurt, or things being done in a manner I don't like. If I was OK wis lies and deception, I'd just cheat on my girlfriend.

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I have enormous respect for those members of the forum who can walk up to an attractive stranger in a public place and open with, "Hi, I'm Janet and I'm polyamorous." Puts it right out there and opens the door for either acceptance, rejection or exploration and discussion. I myself am not that bold.
I have to push myself for a few days before I can even ask a girl out. I suppose you could call me shy, although I'm not shy at all when things don't involve romance.

The thing is, I'm afraid (like really, really, really afraid) that if I go to her and tell her I'm poly, it'll just blow everything. I'm so afraid that this totally rules out that option. I'm afraid she'll freak out and just never talk to me again.

Also, when I talked about gaining her trust, it had nothing to do with manipulation. It was all about deserving her trust. About getting her to know me and me to know her. About building a friendship.

Ok, I hope I've made myself clearer. It's just ... I'm not that much a people person, and when thinking about relationships, I tend to be way too logical.



Now, back to the topic.
There are a few sentences in your answers that bring me hope. Sentences that say : "look at this small game trail you missed. It goes straight towards the top of the mountain.
Maybe it turns back, or simply stops in the middle of nowhere, but hey, at least it starts the right way." Those are the sentences about friendship.

I'm from a very scientific background. And in science, when you want to solve a problem, you start off by cutting your problem into smaller problems. By solving those smaller problems, you solve the big one. And i think I've tried to push that too far. And I missed the one thing that was important : those two problems can't be solved separetely.

To actually tell someone how i feel about monogamy requires that I have a huge amount of trust in that person. It's all pretty new to me, and I'm rather uncomfortable with, you know, what other people may say or do that could hurt me.

The only way I can talk to her about poly is if I trust her enough. And the only way I can accept the idea of... damn, words are missing again.
The precondition for me to start anything romantic with her is that she knows, and that my girlfriend knows, and that everybody is OK with what is going on.

Damn, I'm doing math again

So, anyway, I need to cultivate our current friendship, until I feel close to her enough to tell her about who I am. I'm not quite sure how or if this will happen, but it's the only possible way.

By the way River, I'd say we're slightly more than just acquaintances. Not close friends though. And thanks a lot for your answer. You've connected the dots, so to say.


PS : I'm not sure all this really had to be written down, but writing helps me think and get my ideas straight.
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