Well, primary is scary because it's like being in a spot light. There's a different level of involvement and responsibility. And, I guess the feeling of not being worthy of being some one's primary. I've never been in a primary relationship. I have issues with feeling like I don't deserve love and whatnot. Or like anyone would bother to care that much about me.
Yesterday, I met with my therapist and we started talking about my anxiety with going on dates. It's pretty intense and goes beyond the typical, eek a date!. I've been trying to get to the bottom of it for a long time with no success. But FINALLY, we figured out the connection. My parents were/are? emotionally abusive and anytime my sister or I would attempt to bring issues to the table, they would be like, but we spend all this money on you guys, how could you say we're not good parents, blah, blah, blah. So, I've got this construct in my head where, if someone spends money on me, I feel obligated to do whatever they want or feel how they expect me to feel, whether or not I want to.
So, we spend lots of money on you, so we can abuse and torment you for years on end. But you'd better act like it's okay and we're great parents. Put on a good show.
I bought you dinner, so you have to make out with me.
Not really a healthy way to be. I try and respect other people's boundaries and I need to do a better job of expecting people to respect mine. It's like I believe I can only do one or the other. Like if I'm asking people to respect me, I'm somehow not respecting them. I know this is something a lot people struggle with. But I'm feeling like I want to give this issue priority.
On a more positive note, I had a super awesome dream recently.
I was being chased by people trying to capture/kill me, as I often am. I took off running into the forest and for the first time I can remember, I was actually able to run! Typically, I cant run very well in my dreams. Like I'm running through water. So, off I ran and eventually, I came to a teetering cliff with a large lake below. I dove into the water and at the bottom, there was a keeper of the bodies (apparently a lot of deaths?) and he made a deal with me that he would take another body and pass it off as mine when the men came. Since bodies that have been in water awhile aren't very recognizable and all... then he gave me a boat and showed me a secret underground river. So, I escaped and lived happily ever after.