BrotherMan, I feel your pain. I know what you are going through. As I read your posts, I could have been writing them myself, about a former fiance.
I wish you a better outcome with your wife than I had with my fiance. That relationship ended very badly indeed. But I cannot say that I regret that experience, heartbreaking and devastating as it was on every level of my life. Because now I know the treasure I have in my loyal, loving Hubby. He is not a perfect man, and he may blow it big time on occasion, as we all do, but he is as fiercely loyal to me as I am to him. And that is bedrock on which we can build.
That being said, I will never argue against a married couple working to keep it together. I sincerely wish that you and your wife will find your way to healing and wholeness, both as individuals and as a couple. I couldn't make it work once the loyalty had been betrayed on such a deep level, but I wish you both the best possible outcome, whatever that may be.