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Old 04-21-2011, 10:53 AM
MaeMae MaeMae is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 1
Default I want monogamy. He wants polyamory.

Hi, I'm very new to this stuff. And I don't disagree with it, it seems like sometimes it really can work out well, but it's not what I want.

I'll start at the beginning. My boyfriend and I have been going out for over 2 years now, we live together and we've talked about marriage, in the future, and having kids some day. So we're in a serious relationship. I am completely faithful to him and have no wishes to be otherwise. He has been faithful to me, if having a few close encounters, until he met this girl.

Now, he has always been friends with a lot of girls, he likes to talk to them, and I don't mind. So he did mention he was talking to this one, and then when he was stuck without a ride home somewhere, she was nice enough to pick him up.
I thanked her when they came home, because I don't drive, and because it was late, offered that she stay the night on a mattress in the lounge, which she eventually decided on.
That went fine, they talked some of the night, but that's normal, and she left for work in the morning before we were up.

So I guess that started their friendship properly. They continued talking, and at some point saw each other again, and I would often come home and she had just dropped him off or something.
His friends knew before I did. A male friend of ours came over for dinner, and my boyfriend invited her as well. They were talking to each other as we made dinner, and I thought they were getting close, so I even looked at my boyfriend and mentioned it, as though they might soon be together.

I had been working a lot, and they apparently spent a lot of time together, because I later found out they'd had sex while I wasn't home, and then several days later, I found out he'd been with her.
I was devastated, and spent the entire night and next day trying to think what to do, to leave, or I don't know what else.
I found the thought of leaving him too hard to bear.. I love him and I've been so happy with him for so long. I didn't want to break up, I hadn't done anything wrong.

Eventually, I agreed for some reason she should come over for dinner, and was sociable and nice, which was quite painful at the time.
I asked her if she wanted to stay over. And I probably knew what would happen.

Somehow, I let it become a polyamorous relationship. I actually think I fell in love with her after a while, which is handy because I'm not someone who feels right having sex outside of a loving relationship.
For him, perhaps stupidly on my part, I even joined in, though that may have been because I was too jealous to leave him alone often.

But we don't get along, his other girlfriend and I, and I have tried. She's even living with us now, though we have no space, because she was having problems with her flatmates at the time.
For a while it was fine, I suppose we had our own relationship as well, separate from him, which was more comfort and talking than anything, but that's disappeared.

She's told me that she doesn't feel right doing stuff with me, and is sometimes rude to me and then makes a joke of it. I've mentioned it to her and to my boyfriend, but I'm the jealous type and I probably sound like a bitch for bringing it up. Before she said that, I would want to cuddle or touch her somehow, not sexually, and she would get annoyed with me, to the point that she made me seem like I was being a child or something. I have a very high sex drive besides, and now I'm not with her at all, the attention I was used to before from my boyfriend is more than halved.

My boyfriend and I have been fighting lately now, and she gets upset when we do, but I can't live like this and don't know what to do.
I feel like all the changes made have been mine, and I've been called selfish by both of them now, because I can't seem to do anymore.. I'm living with one person who now all but ignores me and another who is frustrated with me being miserable.

Am I supposed to keep them happy at the expense of my own happiness..?
I need help.

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