Here's the baseline reality.
There isn't a way for us to have NO contact without totally fucking over at least one child.
So, we don't have a choice but to make an agreement to not discuss the shit that sends us spiraling through the nasty, painful, b.s cycle we've gotten into.
Yes, we could fuck over the one child who would lose everything if we did that. However, that one child deserves better-and he's going to get it-if it kills me.
Yes, I meant that-if it KILLS me.
I'm not sending this boy back to his mother.
I'm not making him leave his siblings-the only people he's TRULY bonded to, just because he's not mine.
If I had to suffer rape EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE for him to have the chances that he has now-becuase of me entering his life-I would.
Fortunately, I don't have to do that.
BUT, I do have to find a way to work around the issues in our lives and get along.
Stay in a poly dynamic? Not a requirement.
Stay married? Not a requirement.
Be lovers? Not a requirement.
Find a way to get along-that's a requirement and it has to happen RIGHT NOW, TODAY.
So, while I do understand what you are saying-no, I'm not taking the advice in full.
I found the only part I could take and used it.
We aren't discussing the issues between us unless we're with a therapist.
That means NOT AT ALL. No complaining, no bitching, no whining, no asking, no demanding.
It pretty much means "if you don't have anything nice to say, shut the fuck up" (not to you all, between he and I).
From what I gather from him-he thinks I'm dead on right on this topic. (there are a few things we have come to agree on implicitly over the years).
As for why I stay,
because to be flat honest-all of the things in that list are over and done. We've learned from them and we've grown from them and they aren't continuing.
My point in bringing them up wasn't to malign the man that Maca is today.
My point was that we ALL fucked up and we ALL need some grace.
Maca is struggling because he doesn't want to offer GG grace, but he has been willing to accept it for himself. That's self-rightous and it's wrong. Furthermore-he knows it is. Like it or not, he knows it's wrong. He just doesn't want it to be.
There is no doubt about the fact that I fucked Maca over by having the affair and I'm not even going to start defending myself over it. It was wrong, it was heartless and it was unfair. At the very least I could have simply said it was over, walked away and done what I thought I needed to do.
But I was selfish and I didn't go that route.
If Maca wants to be "just friends" and call it good on the marriage-so be it.
But, he still owes it to HIMSELF-to grant GG the grace he longs to have for himself. Because as long as he's holding a grudge, he can't FEEL that the grace has already been given.
As for who has done the most damage.
The damage was done.
I don't believe in "it's over".
There is no "over" unless you give up-and I don't give up.
So, while I respect the fact that other people believe that there is a point where you just have to walk away-I don't believe that, never have and if I ever do, that time isn't here yet. Thus, it's pointless to waste breath suggesting it.
Not that I don't grasp the heart of the suggestion, but the bottomline for me is that I know Maca's heart-and I know mine. Giving up isn't going to happen.
"Love As Thou Wilt"