Ariakas once posted on my (other) blog that my updates were awesomely vague.
I was vague on purpose, sorta. I couldn't talk about what I was experiencing during P&W's relationship - or really even after. The closest I came to talking about what I was feeling was a note on fetlife... Even now I still have trouble articulating what was going on for me and how it STILL affects me.
The reality is that the issues that ultimately ended everything left at least 3 people in pain and me in a situation where I was terrified to talk, and putting up walls. I couldn't talk. Wasn't allowed to talk. Had no where to talk. I could have talked here but my reasons for not talking here only intensified - I didn't want to seem like I was slandering someone I genuinely thought was a fantastic woman - and I never wanted anything to be a he said/she said situation. Ariakas has since deleted and/or blocked me on all sites/methods of communication so I don't know if he will ever see this or not - and now I'm at the point where I have to do what's best for ME and MY relationship not worrying about what others may or may not say about me. I can't be that person who has encased herself in walls... because walls shatter and then the pain all comes out.
And that's who I became. Someone who was desperately trying to hide behind walls but in the end everything shattered.
The theme of a lot of the issues with W&P's relationship, with mine & W's relationship was not saying anything so someone wouldn't get hurt - and invariably someone got hurt worse.
I wonder - if I had actually reached out would things have been different? Not that it matters now... my feeling is that one side doesn't want to know my side and that's ok. I wish everyone happiness and a good life - regardless of whether they understand or care about what was going on for me - I do hope things go well for them. I am sad for the loss of a potential friendship though.
Wellington and I had a major breakthrough on Monday - we were having a conversation, it turned into a fight, the same issues came up again... and I was finally able to tell him how I was feeling in a way that the 'light' came on.
For 13 years anytime we've had a conversation that involved me expressing feelings that were NOT postive and supportive and happy about him - he'd shut the conversation down. He doesn't do confrontation well - and he has a tendency to react rather than pause, think and act when he percieves an attack.
(note - i'm not saying I don't attack - but regardless - he perceives it as one)
I finally was able to show him what he was doing in a way that made sense to HIM.
Gawd I love that man. When he's faced with something he doesn't like about himself - he's all for changes and adjustments - he may not LIKE a trait about himself - but he's always willing to FACE it and WORK on it - as soon as he understands it. I wish I had 1/2 of that ability...
Knowing he's willing to stop and pause and think about what's being said rather than react to the percieved attack - means that the walls I've been so carefully constructing can start to come down. It means that he truely will be a safe place for me to talk and we can be SO much more genuine with each other.
I don't know where we're going in our poly journey - but I do know that wherever it is - it will be with a better understanding of ourselves.