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Old 04-20-2011, 05:11 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

I have thought about this a lot on a theoretical level, but this topic made me think more about why it is that I have (had) certain preferences. It really all feels quite different now that I am in a poly situation, so that I actually see how it can work for me, not only how it can work in general.

I used to think that it would be more balanced to have my new partner be married as well. This happens to be the situation with my girlfriend, which I find nice. However, it seems that some of the reasons why I used to think that have disappeared now that I'm in the situation. I can see that there would still be many ways this could work even if she was single.

Now that I think about it, some of the reasons I find it relieving for my partner to have another partner have a lot to do with me. I am a people pleaser and it causes me anxiety if someone needs me a lot (whether it is a friend or a partner). This has sometimes caused problems in my relationship with my husband even when there has been nobody else involved. I think it actually has a lot more to do with me being anxious about having to let people down and to having to (and sometimes not being able to) say no than it has with the person needing too much from me. For example, what my husband has wanted from me has not been unreasonable, but since I haven't communicated that it has been too much for me at the time it has caused big difficulties. It is definitely interesting that once again the problem comes down to communication!

But I do think that I might overcome this if I got to the root of the problem, as it then wouldn't cause me as much stress when I have to express that I can't always be there for everybody when they might wish. I think this is something I should be analysing even in a mono relationship, but thanks to poly and this forum I begun to think about it more.

This does really seem to relate a lot to the idea of polyamory; that one person does not need to fill one's every need for the rest of their life. I find that idea really relieving. And it might help me to consider my own needs easier than before since I am ultimately not responsible for satisfying all the needs my partner has.
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