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Old 04-20-2011, 11:49 AM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Ros,

Ok - this is a bit more enlightening. I think maybe I missed a KEY word in your first post. You said "you THINK he'd prefer to not know" what's going on. I missed that. Me bad.

Because this post reads that there really isn't a DADT policy in place by mutual agreement - it's really more just what most call cheating. In a true DADT arrangement, the parties have agreed that there will be other lovers in the picture but because of their own fears & insecurities have chosen to not want to know or discuss any details. It conveys a high level of trust in each others judgement which is admirable.

Originally Posted by rositabanana View Post
I don't think it was that I wasn't behaving safely. People I thought I could trust threatened me with exposure to manipulate me, and if I could have just told him and talk to him about it that threat wouldn't be an issue.
Again - no threat of exposure really if the agreement was in place. All he (or you) would have responded with was "I don't want to hear about it. We have an agreement"

Originally Posted by rositabanana View Post
............So yes, don't ask don't tell is unsafe for me. I don't like being in sexual relationships where I have no one who knows what I am doing, where I am going and I have no one to talk about the emotional stuff that comes with all the figuring out.
I agree ! Someone SHOULD know where you go and more or less who you are with. Only smart. However it doesn't have to be your mate - unless you have nobody else. This does need addressing but there are other ways of addressing it without throwing in the towel on DADT.

Originally Posted by rositabanana View Post
It is not healthy for me because I feel a lot of guilt and a lot of shame excluding him from this part of my life.
Guilt - yea I can understand that somewhat. It does force some distance between you so the benefit (for the relationship - NOT your personal self) has to outweigh the cost. I think shame is a crutch......just me.

Originally Posted by rositabanana View Post
........... but people can really suck sometimes so it has ended often in manipulation.
Ehhhh............yep. Dare I say you need to be picking more quality people to have in your life ? Realizing that's easier said than done in some places.....

Bottom line.............

If you TRULY had a DADT agreement in place all of this would be less of a concern. When other lovers etc realized the truth of it they wouldn't have this lever of manipulation to work with and the chemistry of the whole affair would change greatly.
But it seems you don't have this so you have a couple possible options.

1> REALLY have a discussion with primary and get it together (DADT)
2> Discuss your discomfort with DADT (even though you don't really have it yet) and raise the question of possible poly where you CAN openly discuss the gist of what/where you are going for safety reasons. Mutually benificial agreement.

Good luck !

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