Thread: Just LR
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Old 04-20-2011, 10:05 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
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@ Maca While I was typing my comment to you:
Maca, I owe you an apology. [...] (signed) MrPutMyFootInMyMouth
I got a warning that I had 5 minutes left to save any work I was doing before my session ended (I was connecting via a public library - max. allowance 1 hour/day). So I finished my comment hastily and posted it. I’d like to come back now and comment more extensively. The quotes are all from your 2 comments on this thread.

I hate it when people jump to conclusions. And I hate it even worse when I’m the one doing the jumping and they’re my conclusions being jumped to. Maths was my favourite subject at school (and my subject at university), and I do like putting 2 and 2 together. But I shouldn’t assume that the answer that I come up with is the right one (or – in some cases - the only right one)! So - once again - my apologies, and be assured that none of the following are assumptions, I'm just throwing some ideas at you.

This is LR's thread and Im not even sure its polite of me to write in it
Maca, who better to comment on all this than you??? I’m sure that many of us have been wanting to read your version of all this. And I hope that you’ve returned to read the comments thanking you for taking part. I add my voice to those thanks. As for “polite”: I’m sure that politeness should take a back seat (or even – if necessary - be locked in the boot [trunk in American]) to trying to find a satisfying solution to all this. (Don’t equate “politeness” with “decency”: decency and fairness should never be locked in the boot!)

Yes I was LR's Dom, No I wasnt happy about her wanting to be GG's mistress.
I have to admit (as I’ve admitted before on several threads) that this whole BDSM thing is alien to me. What I’m about to do now isn’t jumping to conclusions: it’s asking for some honest answers – both so that I can understand better and perhaps so that you, Maca, in answering honestly, might get a different perspective.

Did the fact that you were LR’s Dom increase your feelings of betrayal?

Did the fact that LR wanted to experiment with “having the upper hand” (becoming the Mistress in her relationship with GG) cause you any fear that she might one day threaten your own power dynamic with her?
LR and I talked today about our relationship and she maintains that in order for me to be with her I have to let go of my issues with her being in a romantic relationship with GG. I told her I have tried and that the scar is so deep. She went on to talk about "wanting to forgive" "wanting to make things work". I got real with her, I told her that the thing is " I dont feel a drive to forgive him" " I dont like or want to be reminded of the affair or there romantic relationship". With LR I wanted to forgive, I did forgive. With GG, its just not there. He is a good guy, him and I get along just fine when its not involving LR. We work well as a team. There is just to much that is wrong with me, I cant break through the hurt and anger.
Nobody on this board is going to be able to help you if you don’t want to help yourself on this one. I don’t need to jump to any conclusions to know that you aren’t perfect. You’ve made mistakes in your life. [ALL of us have.] If we can believe (Can we believe?) LR’s version of things, some of these were pretty heavy mistakes. If we can believe (Can we believe?) LR’s version of things, she has forgiven you for them and is willing to move one. If we can believe (Can we believe?) your version of things, you are willing to forgive (have forgiven) LR but not GG – even though “He is a good guy, him and I get along just fine when its not involving LR.”

I’ve read several times on other threads (and it’s something that I believe myself) that often, when we say that somebody has hurt us deeply, the truth is that we are hurting ourselves and push the blame on other people. If we can believe (Can we believe?) LR’s version of things, LR and GG are willing to move on. It’s you who’s having trouble with letting go of the hurt in the past. That holding on is harming you and hurting all those around you – at least the ones who love you.

As for the weekend Daddy thing. You have no idea the tears I shed at night. The lump that forms in my throat every time I have to say good bye to them. The hour long drive back to my lonely one room apt feels like walking through a fire pit that is covered in broken glass.
I have a confession to make. I once co-parented 2 young girls (2 of the most important people in my life). I didn’t have any sexual connection with their parents, but we were good friends. The father (who’d been born into an inheritance) bought a farm (that I found) and the idea was that we were going to start a commune. He offered – but I refused – to put my name on the deeds as 1/3 owner. Delays in increasing the size of the group (the couple’s decision), the difficulties of living as tacked-on person to an otherwise nuclear family in a rural community in a foreign country where I had no other friends, and the decision-making dynamic (in principle, we were all to have an equal say right from the beginning – in practice whenever he just didn’t care about any issue, he’d vote for her side, so that [unless I agreed with her] I lost every vote) all served to create friction between myself and the couple… to the point that I walked out to another country! (I had no work permit for the country where the farm was and couldn’t have made my own living there without working illegally.) So I, too, have been through that process of choosing to walk out on children that I dearly loved… and suffering terribly at the separation. [Luckily, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”: I’m back to being good friends of the couple, and maintain contact with the children – now adults – even if it is at a distance.]
Mr, I know that your smitten with LR, she is easy to get smitten with.
I admit the charge. LR comes across as a caring person, [almost – when she isn’t hurting too much from her own problems - always] ready to give helpful advice to others on this board, and I’m sure that I’m not the only one who really appreciates her input here. And not the only one who feels for her present pain. As the song (which I’ve shared on another thread) goes:

When things go wrong,
So wrong for you…
It hurts me, too.

I spent the first several years taking care of him financially while he was at home trying to help LR school the kids.
As someone who has also been – in this case - in GG’s position, depending on somebody else financially while putting energy into the family, I want to ask you this:

Do/did you resent this? Do/did you feel that GG was being a parasite?

Another question: Was GG putting in any other energy (aside from the home-schooling and being responsible for his own shit – cleaning up after himself, washing his fair share of the dishes) into improvements in the living conditions for the whole group?

Have you heard about the movement for housewives/homemakers to be paid for all the work they do? Do you know how much that work would cost if a professional (even a low-paid immigrant) were doing it? If you’re still holding onto any resentment about GG living at your expense, I honestly think that you should consider all this.

Reading between the lines (and according to LR’s version), I gather that Mimi, LR, and GG are all / have all – for many years – been putting emotional and physical energy into caring for [oh hell! Let's not be shy about using this word: LOVING] (among others) one child who is not related to any of them biologically – your son by your ex-wife.

While walking into town to my Internet connection today, without your posts in front of my eyes (but they’ve been in my thoughts for the 2 days since I first read them, believe me), I was thinking of writing “If any of you – Maca, GG, LR, [and now I’ll have to add Mimi] don’t consider all of the children involved to be part of the family of each of the adults… then there’s no hope for you”. Now that I’ve accessed this thread, I see that your signature is ‘" NO WORDDIES BE HAPPY"- My 2 year old baby girl’ Now, I happen to know that this 2 (now 3) year old isn’t your biological daughter. But she’s still “My 2 year old baby girl”. So there IS hope for all of you after all.
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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