Again, first I would like to say thank you for taking the time to give a thoughtful and insightful response.
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit
Not safe ?
Well, you're primarily responsible for that. If you are not behaving 'safely' you need to fix that.
Not constructive or healthy ? Who says ?
First, I wasn't generalizing about all don't ask/don't tell agreements. I was talking about my specific situation. I realize that there isn't a one size fits all when it comes to relationship agreements.
I don't think it was that I wasn't behaving safely. People I thought I could trust threatened me with exposure to manipulate me, and if I could have just told him and talk to him about it that threat wouldn't be an issue.
So yes, don't ask don't tell is unsafe for me. I don't like being in sexual relationships where I have no one who knows what I am doing, where I am going and I have no one to talk about the emotional stuff that comes with all the figuring out.
It is not healthy for me because I feel a lot of guilt and a lot of shame excluding him from this part of my life. I have to make a huge effort to cover up my relationships with other people and it becomes very stressful because I don't have control over what other people do.
No matter who I've slept with I've always given them the whole story and communicated to them secrecy and being discreet is key. I have always tried to build an emotional bond and trust with them so they can feel free to communicate to me how they are feeling and what they need from me to feel good about our relationships and vise versa. Its very important to me that my partner feels close and feels a connection to me. I always get a verbal agreement and understanding of my situation and it's delicacy from a partner before we even think about doing anything sexual. This usually works in the beginning, but people can really suck sometimes so it has ended often in manipulation.
I have learned from these unsafe experiences that I do not want don't ask/don't tell any more. I am not saying that it doesn't work for some people because it did work for me for a time, but it's not something I can handle emotionally anymore.
Thank you so much for your insight and I really appreciate your input.