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Old 04-19-2011, 08:09 PM
rositabanana rositabanana is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3

First off thanks for your thoughtful response, I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post

1) You say you experience sex with him as painful. Is that a physical or emotional problem? Do the two of you (or you in general) have trust issues? What made you feel your first experience outside of this relationship was horrid?
I think it is a physical problem. In the beginning it was because I was a virgin and inexperienced and he had never really had someone who didn't know what they were doing so he didn't really know how to help me out. I was ashamed and thought there was something wrong with me and I developed a very strong disinterest.

I also take a lot more time to become aroused before sex and very often he cannot keep an erection, so as soon as it's up its like, get it in there before it stops. Since we don't have sex a lot it's a lot of pressure for me to just do it for the sake of doing it, with the naive hope that if we can just have more sex we may get better at it. This is another issue that we have had a lot of problems with and I've suggested going to a doctor to get it checked out many times but he won't, because of his ego maybe?

That being said we have had good sex before it's just it happens very very few and far between and mostly when we have been drinking.

I don't feel that we have trust issues at all. In fact I think a lot of the reason we don't have more sex is because we are afraid of disappointing the other.

My first experience outside our relationship was horrid because I really had no idea what I was doing, and the interaction came with a lot of guilt and a lot of shame. The partner I was with was manipulative and pressured me a lot when he realized he was in a power position, since he knew my boyfriend and could threaten to tell him, and I couldn't bare the thought of him finding out. We had been friends for a while so I didn't think he would be like that but he most definitely was and needless to say it was a lot of stress and a lot of grief and I lost what I had thought was a good friend. I do take responsibility for this though - I didn't even know how to begin to evaluate whether this would have been a good person to sleep with out of my primary relationship or not. Lesson learned.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
2) Have the two of you had sexual therapy? Is it clear that you don't have orientation issues, in that either one or both would be gay or asexual? You have a disconnect of communication going on which could improve with therapy, methinks.
No, not that I haven't looked into it. We simply do not have the economic means to pay for such counselling. All the counselors in my area charge outrageous amounts per session, money that we do not have as we are both students trying to pay of student debt and continue to pay for school.

We are very open about our orientation with each other, he is not gay in the least, I am bi-curious but prefer men most of the time.

Have any suggestions where we can get therapy that isn't gonna cost us our rent money?

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
3) Have you had sexually satisfying experiences after the two of you decided it was okay to seek out partners outside? Yet again I'm wondering if you might be asexual, have incompatible kinks, trauma or if you just need to connect on a more profound level with someone in order to experience sexual joy.
We did have sexually satisfying experiences after we decided to seek out other partners. I don't know if he actually had sex outside our relationship but when I did the pressure I put on him for sex, and the insecurities I felt about how I preformed sexually, melted away. I felt more affectionate towards him because the resentment I felt for not wanting to have sex with me disappeared and I think we actually because a lot closer.

With other partners I had some very satisfying experiences and some not so. But I am capable of having sexually satisfying experiences. I do like sex but I can't say I wasn't worried for a while when I first started.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
4) Don't ask don't tell, like anything that involves closeting or lying by emission, is hugely stressful, and you want to move on. What is your ultimate goal? Reconnect with him? Be able to live free from fear of discovery and enjoy your other loves openly? Build a poly family/intimate network together?
My ultimate goal would be to live free from fear of discovery and enjoy our other loves openly. But of course I would love to be able to reconnect with him sexually and have a sexual relationship. We have a knack for attracting amazing friends who are also very open and it wouldn't be out of the question to build an intimate network one day.

Again, thank you thank you thank you for your thoughtful response.
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