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Old 04-19-2011, 02:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,982

Originally Posted by LadyRaven View Post

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly three years, living together for just over two. In the past year, he's rekindled an interest in S&M that he had before we met. He wants to be whipped and spanked. It's not something I've done before, but I'm willing to learn.

The problem is, he doesn't seem to want me to be the one whipping him. A few months ago, he told me he wants to try polyamory. I'd be his Primary, he assures me, but he wants a Secondary girlfriend (one who already knows her way around a flogger), and maybe to play around at S&M parties.

I have no problem with the concept of polyamory in general - many of our friends live that lifestyle and seem perfectly happy...
That's cool! Most people that come here are usually at sea about the idea of polyamory, so you're already a few steps ahead.

but it's not something I have any interest in bringing into my own relationship. I don't want him canoodling with someone else...
Jealousy? try and break down why you are jealous. Usually it's because of a fear of being compared and found lacking, and fear of losing your primary as a result.

I don't want to be sitting home alone while he's out on a date (nor am I really interested in engaging in another relationship of my own...
If you read here some, you will find that there are many more options to filling time when your partner is out on a date. Most people spend that time with platonic friends, or doing an activity your primary isn't interested in, or doing personal growth work, working out, reading, spiritual practices, etc etc.

...and I simply don't want a time-share boyfriend. I want to be the one sexually satisfying him.
Again and again here, people come to realize no one person can totally satisfy every need for their partner. My sister, my gf, my other lover, my kids, my colleagues, even the babies I sit for, they all bring me special unique things... no way one person could do all that.

So, intimacy and friendship with a wide circle of friends and acquaintances, that's good. Somehow putting a penis in a vagina (or some combination of genitals and orifices) throws a monkey wrench into the works.

I'm willing to engage in the S&M that he wants, but he keeps holding me at arm's length from it.

... he confessed that he'd had a specific girl in mind for his Secondary all along. For me, it then turned from "I want to experience different people" to "I want to get it on with this girl and still keep my girlfriend". So on top of dealing with his new desires, I have to get past having been misled and essentially lied to.
I'm sure he was trying to protect your feelings. It's so hard for most of us polys to first admit we have feelings for another, to our primary. We carry internalized fears around the taboo, just like monos do.

Originally Posted by LadyRaven View Post
... He's even sometimes laughed at me when I've tried to dominate him.
Ach, that must have hurt, when you were trying so hard to engage him that way to meet his needs for impact play.

It's almost as if he wants me to remain the "good and pure" girlfriend while he goes to someone else for the "naughty" things he wants.
As others have said, it might be your Domme side is underdeveloped and he didn't get into the right kind of "sub space" with you.

My gf and I are into BDSM. She's been a lifestyle slave in the past, and when we first met there was a hope I could be her Domme/Mommy. After a while we figured out that kind of unequal exchange really didnt work for me for various reasons. I can definitely Top her sexually, but didn't want to be a fulltime Mistress. It wasn't easy working this dynamic out. It took at least a year. Now she's got a Master/bf that she sees once a week for an overnight. But I am still definitely her Primary. I feel quite comfortable and safe with this, most of the time (I do have my weak moments...)

When you did flog your bf, how did YOU feel? Was it thrilling? Did it feel somehow comfortable and right, even though it was your first time? If it did feel *right,* even though your flogging techniques might need practice, I'd say to keep trying. Personally, I am a switch, but just love the energy that flows through me and us, when I spank or flog my gf. And a good flogging, with or without bondage, is very grounding for her. Brings her into the NOW and forces her to be fully present and let go of her many anxieties around her life issues, at least for a couple hours.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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