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Old 04-19-2011, 01:56 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by rositabanana View Post
As far as I know, my partner is clueless, and I think he'd like to stay that way but I am having a really hard time with it. I've realized our arrangement is not safe, it is not constructive and it is not healthy and I really want to talk to him about it but I am so afraid.
Not safe ?
Well, you're primarily responsible for that. If you are not behaving 'safely' you need to fix that.

Not constructive or healthy ? Who says ?

Don't ask/don't tell arrangements are perfectly acceptable, healthy, constructive arrangements for many people. It's what works with their unique personality quirks, insecurities and needs. Perfectly fine as long as handled properly.

Problem CAN come in when one party becomes uncomfortable with the seeming distance it puts between you. May be that that is what's beginning to happen to you ?

You really have to weigh the complexity and emotional toll involved in trying out a different model. Being more open in a quest for more closeness is going to be a trade off. At first there may be MORE distance, conflict, emotional damage. You can read plenty on here about what most people go through to get to a point poly is truly comfortable. It's a trial by fire experience/process.

Per your writing your relationships seems great, meeting your needs except for the sexual part. And you're both getting that met elsewhere and that's working. If only everyone was that lucky ! Most aren't.

There's a certain amount of wisdom in the "if it ain't broke - don't fix it" approach.

But the safety - you HAVE to address that. I'm not sure what you are specifically involved in that you feel is less than 'safe' - but you better fix that pronto anyway. That's a bigger subject that relationship needs.

Take care.

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