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Old 04-19-2011, 01:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
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Hi Far,

I'd like to toss in a comment or three on some of your post.

As someone who has been with this forum for......seemingly ages, I've had an opportunity to see much of what you're speaking of, see it discussed, addressed etc. I can only say this. The 'overall' tone and atmosphere of the forum has improved quite dramatically since it's early days.
You have to keep in mind, the contributors are human too - and subject to all the same strengths and failings, moods and opinions of the species. Same for the moderators.
So you need to expect a certain amount of errors and 'from the hip comments' - same as you would in a live public setting.


Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post

It therefore comes as something of a disillusion and disappointment to see a certain amount of sniping, point-scoring, false assumptions, and hasty jumping to conclusions that goes on in this forum. I have witnessed examples of this aimed at myself and at others... and I don’t like to see either.
Interesting. I don 't see much of this now (sniping & point scoring). Jumping to conclusions....well, see my above comment on human nature.

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
Whereas some other members – especially some who were new to this forum - have obviously been stung by carelessly-worded comments directed at them. Some [of these members] have disappeared completely. And I find that a shame, because they were likely the very people who most needed a feeling of support through their difficult process of adapting to polyamory.]
It's going to happen. The words may not always have been as 'careless' as they were 'blunt'. Dealing with such approaches is a communication skill worth developing.

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post

After writing about my viewpoint on certain matters, I’ve had (not often but occasionally) the feeling that I’m being attacked. Sometimes my original words were not chosen with enough care, sometimes after a great deal of thought (it can take me up to an hour to compose a single posting)... but then were misunderstood anyway, and my motives or judgement were called into question.
There's that key word - 'feeling' ! Seems we hear that a lot
Search and study up on a lot of discussion on feeling vs fact.

Misunderstanding is common. You later clarify the reason yourself (part of at least) in discussing the whole context/vocabulary conundrum. And sometimes it does take some seemingly wasteful posts to clear those up. But that generally happens.

Calling your 'motives' or 'judgement' into question ? Isn't that part of the whole point of such places and discussions ? To get an outside viewpoint ? Get used to it
Another opinion may be more accurate - or less. It's ONLY another opinion. Consider all and either accept or reject them as having some substance. Then move on.

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
There is a big difference between the spirited debate of ideas and slinging personal criticisms around.
Word of advice here.
Debate often encompasses criticism. But you have to understand that it's ideas, concepts, opinions etc that are being criticized. NOT the speaker ! Common mistake that leads to a lot of wasted dialog.

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
Other times I have offered a completely sincere opinion and it has gone down very badly. At times, other members have attempted to belittle me for the views that I hold.
Are you sure ? Was it "you" or the 'views" ? See above comment.

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
[I also think that members should be very careful about using comments like: “Oh, you’re so young!” – or “inexperienced” (implied: “and therefore relatively clueless”). Although this one hasn’t been applied to me on here, I remember - from when I was young - how little this persuaded me to heed the advice or the comment being given.]
I can see where this could be valid. We do deal with all ages and experience levels here. I don't like to see those type of responses either. But we do see a certain amount of questions, opinions etc that really are born from nothing more than youth and inexperience. They are SO basic and fundamental about relationship dynamics that they aren't even about poly per se. I choose to just ignore (not respond) to such posts but maybe that's just as bad ? But really there must be better 101 level places out there to get answers to some of that stuff ?

You did go on more.

I'm going to stop here.

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