Originally Posted by nycindie
If being honest and open with both of them is of primary importance to you, then you should honor that. Be true to yourself.
I were you, I would surprise them with a visit at home, at a time when you know both of them will be there, and just walk in and say, "Look you two, we need to talk. I'm with both of you. Let's be honest with each other about what's been going on or I will leave right now and neither of you will see me again." And mean it. Walk out and don't look back if they are unwilling to discuss it.
Because although love and sex can be gratifying, you are obviously tormented by the dishonesty. You need to maintain your integrity, not give in to their stupidity. Really, all these secrets and whispers is just a ridiculous thing to have to put yourself through. I keep picturing you running back and forth between the two of them like you're in a Marx Brothers movie or French farce or something. If it wasn't your actual life it would be a comedy of errors!
Oh, if only I were so brave! It would be like a dream, being able to do that! i would feel so free! But I´m just so scared. I dont want to lose her. I feel so pathethic, being so afraid. your right in that i´m being tormented and that I feel so dishonest. I´m just not brave enough to risk what I have, even if that would give me the possibility of having something more.
I laughed a lot at your marx brothers reference. that´s exactly how i feel, and I also feel it´s very comical.
I just talked to her (via skype). I opened the possibility of telling him what´s happening. We talked a lot about our fears, both at losing our relationship and about being dishonest. She says she´s scared he won´t understand and will ask her either to stop seeing me or propose that they separate and get a divorce. I dont´know what to tell her. I told her I don´t think that would happen, but that I really can´t know that. What can I tell her to make her feel more secure? Have you lived something similar, living in a closed relationship for a long time and being scared of opening it?
I told her about your responses...we agreed I´m going to print your responses and some of the things you suggested I read, and we are going to read them together and talk about them. I´m so nervous. My hands keep shaking. She says she really likes the idea of reading similar stories and trying to understand our process. We are going to my house on thursday and we are going to talk. I´m sure a lot of things will happen between then and now, but at least on thursday everything will be a bit clearer