Thank you soooo much for answering my post. I had so much hope in getting the type of responses you wrote. I really appreciate them. The moment I read I had come to the right place, I felt so relieved. Itīs so important to feel other peolpe understand and have gone through similar experiences.
Now, as to what you all tell me. I agree. I had never seen everything so clear, but now I know whatīs wrong with our arrangements. The problem isnīt that Iīm jealous, or that we canīt be together all the time. The problem is the cheating. I feel so lonely because Iīm underground. I feel a lot of pressure by having to keep so many secrets and live hiding the most important thing in my life from everyone else. I canīt even touch her when we are out in public, because she just feels so guilty.
So, I now know what I would really like to live. I think thatīs a really big step..But, how do I get there?
I have discussed the possibility of opening our feelings with him. He was very clear and told me he would never do that. He told me he really loves me, but would rather go through the pain of never seeing my again before risking his marriage and having the possibility of making her feel insecure. I can understand him, because he doesnīt know what she is doing with me.He says I am young and that gives me a great advantage in her eyes (I disagree). She is a bit fat and he is scared our differences in body shape will make her feel inadequate. I think she is absolkutely beautiful and I think this idea is completely stupid, but I can undestrand his fear.
I have also discussed this issue with her. She knows what I feel for both of them, and she knows what he feels for me. She says she feels vey insecure and she feels she would feel very jealous. She is very scared of all the new things. This is her first lesbian relationship and she says itīs very difficult for her to process that. She also says they have been living a closed relationship for 30 years, and she doesnīt want to talk these things with him. I can understand all that, and I can imagine how difficult it would be to have to question everything that you have built for so long. I donīt understand why they canīt talk about their feelings, but that is how it is, and I donīt know what to do with that. Do you think itīs a matter of time? Do you think itīs my place to try to talk these things with them, or do you think I should just let them talk them out as a couple? The problem is, they donīt talk. I have been talking with her about this. I have been very sincere about what I feel, but do you think that is all I can do? We have also talked a lot about her "selfishness". She says she feels very guilty for being so selfish and not wanting to share what we are living. She asks me if I thinks itīs selfish, and I tell her I do, but I would rather live with that selfishness than lose her. What do you think about that? Iīm scared I will lose myself and turn into this woman that just letīs her partner do anything to her, just because sheīs afraid of losing her...is that what iīm doing?
We have also talked about the inequity in our relationships. She says she feels bad for giving me so little and asking me to remain a secret. She says she realizes her need of being a secret is just as valid as my need of being public, but she says she canīt do anything different to what she is doing. She says she is scared I am going to get tired of this situation and decide to leave. I tell her I canīt tell her that wonīt happen, and that I really hope we can build something solid that can last, and that Iīm not sure if I will be able to live this situation for very long.What do you think? Do you think itīs just a matter of time until she feels more secure? As long as I tell her how I feel?
Now, as to what happens to me..I am SOOOOOOOO scared they will talk everytinhg out, realize they want to be together, and leave be outside. I really wish they could talk about their feelings between them , and towards me, but I am sooo scared too. What if they realize iīm not worth it? What if they start communicating between them, and no longer need me? And what if they decide to open the relationship? Will I be able to live siomething so "open"? Iīm just so scared. But I feel as if I keep hearing them and undestanding them, and no one listens to my fears.
Today, I told her I had found this forum and that i felt very relieved about having someone to talk to. We talked about it and I asked her why she needed to keep everything a secret. She sais she didnīt know, but she promided to think it over. We are going to talk about it on thursdar. I love that we can talk these things, even if things dontīchange (at least immediately). She also asked me for help in trying to find a similar forum for her, so I think thatīs will be a great step for her too. Iīm not sure if I will give her this forummm..what do you think? Part of me wants her to read what I wrote, but part of me wants to have a private place where I can say everything without fear . What do you think?
Well, this message is really long, again. I hope you still read it andgive me your opinions. Thant you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOOOO much for your support